Taylor Lautner Sent to PrisonS

On a whole different planet or something! Say your goodbyes now, Team Jacob. Also today: Peter Parker sees the face of his enemy, old people are fighting in public, and Don Cheadle gets something he deserves for once.

Supernatural pig god Taylor Lautner has been cast in a yet another movie that's based on a young adult novel. This one isn't about Washington State sex monsters, though. This one is called Incarceron (good name), and it is about a planet or something that is made of prisons. Taylor Lautner lives there as a prisoner and doesn't know what to do with himself until he finds a magic key that allows him to communicate with the warden's daughter (she's 36 and fat and complains about everything and her farts smell like paprika, ha ha ha no of course she's pretty and his age), who is being kept in an imaginary 17th century world of her father's making. So they decide, obvs magovs, to break out together and go to the neighboring planet, Freedomia (I'm guessing). It's a documentary, is what I'm saying. [Deadline]

Carey Mulligan has signed on to star in a new film by Steve McQueen, the sexy '70s ghost that now makes movies. (Not really, it's a different guy, but just go with it.) A sexy '70s ghost that makes movies is definitely better than a decidedly unsexy '70s ghost that solves mysteries. Ya got that, Mudsy Muddlemore? Steve McQueen has you beat in the '70s ghost department. It's just how it is. [THR]

It looks like Don Cheadle will be starring in a show for Showtime about the business world called House of Lies. Wait. Hold on. I'm confused. Don Cheadle is not a lady with a quirky psychological problem. How can he be on Showtime? Oh, well I guess there's sex addict guy on Californication and murderpants guy on Derrrxter, so... we'll allow it. But just this once, Cheadle. Don't try to sneak any other TV series past us in the future. (Seriously, though, very exciting that Cheadle will be getting a steady leading role in something. Long overdue.) [Deadline]

Old people! They just can't stop being old. Old Ed O'Neill said something to Canadian TV Guide (it's always Canadian TV Guide that gets ya!) about old person Jane Lynch along the lines of "Old old old I'm old old she shouldn't have won the Emmy old old." And it seemed sort of mean, but then Ed O'Neill's people said that Canadian TV Guide misquoted him so Canadian TV Guide issued a correction and an apology and said "In addition, we will be shutting down production and killing ourselves, because we just realized we're Canadian TV Guide, and we're very sorry to have done this to you all." Meanwhile Jane Lynch, when asked for a reaction was like "Whatever. I'm too old for this shit." Aren't we all. [THR]

This himbo, name'a Chris Zylka, has been cast in the new Spider-Man reboot. No, no, no. Not the Broadway one! Oh god no. I saw that clunker last week and whoooooo boy howdy is it a stinker. Yipes magipes is it one of the worst things I've ever seen on Broadway. Holy trousers is it fundamentally awful. Knickers to knockers, it cannot be saved unless they just completely rewrite an entire new script and an entire new score and do a whole different show. Otherwise they should just burn all the sets and everyone should go write for Canadian TV Guide. It is so so bad. (Though the backstage wardrobe work was fantastic ;) ) Anyway! This Cro-Magnon hunk is going to play Peter Parker's schoolyard nemesis Flash Thompson in the new movie version. He gets in a fight with Peter, gets sent to Incarcera and falls in love with a sullen pig god. Good Spider-Man movie. [The Wrap]

Ever since Eliza Dushku left the cast two days ago I'll bet you've been dying to know who is replacing her in the TNT pilot Bird Dog. Well the wait is over. It's Chris Zylka! No, just kidding, he is just kind of fun to talk about because his name is Zylka and he looks like lunch meat. Some lady named Ashley Williams is replacing Dushku, and Gerald McRaney will be playing her dad. No word yet on whether or not he'll be a major dad or a minor one or just a regular one. [Deadline]