Kardashian Family Christmas Cards Will Put You in a Trance State

I've come to believe the Kardashians are but an optical illusion designed to put viewers in a fugue state, wherein brain use stalls and the ability to recognize pores diminishes. Come, let us gurgle at the Kardashians' uncanny Christmas pictures.

Here's the "official" picture. (Do you think the Kardashians save "exclusive" content for their Christmas card?) Note the plasticine sheen and young Kylie looking like a skittish baby deer frozen in the headlights of a Orange Valley Hummer. Poor girl. She knows not what she partakes in.

[Image via KimKardashian.com]

Kardashian Family Christmas Cards Will Put You in a Trance State

Aah, the grand dame! She struts down the staircase in slow motion. There is no color because it is a classic movie moment, when the bewitching female lead turns every head in the room, and James Bond bends over to hide his boner. At least, that is I think what they are going for here.

[Image via KimKardashian.com]

Kardashian Family Christmas Cards Will Put You in a Trance State

"Stick with me, kid, you'll be a vapid branding juggernaut in no time."

Kardashian Family Christmas Cards Will Put You in a Trance State

They stared into the middle distance and thought of all the money they could make...

[Image via KimKardashian.com]

Kardashian Family Christmas Cards Will Put You in a Trance State

...for they had a plan: They would have a child, and name him Mason, and get him a talent agent post-haste. Disick. Disick and Son.

[Image via KimKardashian.com]

Kardashian Family Christmas Cards Will Put You in a Trance State

"Hey, girls! Just checking in to see how my favorite stripper pole-dancing ladies are doing! No, seriously, can we be a little less sexy for this multigenerational family portrait? It's kind of freaking me out."

"Shut it, Bruce. Go look at that naked portrait of Kourtney I put in our house if you're bored."

[Image via KimKardashian.com]

Kardashian Family Christmas Cards Will Put You in a Trance State

And here I thought the Kardashians were an elite race of pre-retouched people, who wander the world with Photoshop overlays in place of skin.

[Image via KimKardashian.com]