Your Office Christmas Party Could Kill You

"Experts" have weighed in on the dangers of drinking too much during the holidays, and guess what? It's supposedly really bad for you, and could even increase the risk of cancer. But you can avoid this fate!

The experts from the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center issued a press release last week, titled, "Alcohol and Cancer: Know Your Limit." In it, Clare McKindley, a clinical dietician at the center, says, "researchers are still trying to learn more about how alcohol links to cancer. But, convincing evidence does support the fact that heavy drinking damages cells and increases the risk for cancer development." In other words, "we don't know anything for sure, but we're going to scare the shit out of you anyway. We're experts!" They've offered four basic suggestions for staying sober, slim and, hopefully, cancer-free during the holidays.

"Moderate" drinking will save you.
"Alcoholic drinks come in three choices: beer, wine and liquor. A drink is defined as 12 ounces of beer, five ounces of wine or 1.5 ounces of liquor." Since when is 1.5 ounces of liquor a real drink? A shot, yes. A "drink"? No.

It's not only the egg nog and cookies that will make you fat.
Excessive drinking "can lead to a growing waistline and an increased cancer risk associated with being overweight or obese." That's true. But there's a simple solution: Liquid diet. No solids until mid-January.

Resist the temptation of Everclear.
"While you're checking the bottle label, check the ethanol percentage or number as well. Avoid anything with even more alcohol, like 100-proof liquor." I can feel the burn just thinking about it. Mmmmm.

Non-alcoholic beverages are just as fun, really.
"Remember, alcoholic beverages offer few nutritional benefits. Look for healthier food sources and practice portion control during the holidays." Damn. So drinking a six pack before work isn't considered a well-rounded breakfast? Have these "experts" ever tasted a non-alcoholic drink? Doubtful.

What's a Christmas party without excessive drinking? Boring. That's what. Drink up, people. You only live once.

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[Image via AP]