Wikileaks Exposes Anna Nicole Smith's Bahamian Rampage

A recently released Wikileaks cable reveals how Anna Nicole Smith scandalized an island nation: "Not since Category 4 Hurricane Betsy made landfall in 1965 has one woman done as much damage in Nassau," reads the previously classified diplomatic cable. Wow!

The Nov. 15, 2006 cable—"HURRICANE ANNA NICOLE WREAKS HAVOC IN THE BAHAMAS"—begins breathlessly:

Several months into her Bahamian residency, American B-list celebrity and regular entertainment television fixture Anna Nicole Smith has changed the face of Bahamian politics. Not since Category 4 Hurricane Betsy made landfall in 1965 has one woman done as much damage in Nassau. Lying in disarray in her wake are Doctor's Hospital, the Coroner's Court, the Department of Immigration, local mega-lawyers Callenders and Co., formerly popular Minister of Immigration Shane Gibson, and possibly Prime Minister Christie's PLP government.

The scandal centered on the suspicious quickness with which Anna Nicole Smith was able to get residency in the Bahamas in August of 2006. (A month later, her son died there under mysterious circumstances.) Rumor had it, she bribed the immigration minister with a $10,000 check to speed the process along. Now the minister was being pilloried in the press as a "puppet of the privileged rather than defender of the common people of The Bahamas." (Sexy pictures later surfaced of Anna Nicole and the minister locked in a "bedroom embrace.")

According to the cable, which was written by a State Department employee who was either very bored or a huge Anna Nicole Smith fan: "Not since Wallace Simpson dethroned a King and came to Nassau has an American femme fatale so captivated the Bahamian public and dominated local politics."

Jesus. Wikileaks wins the Internet; there is no more perfect blog story than this. The only thing that could top this is if Wikileaks publishes grainy video of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal gunning down journalists in Afghanistan.

[Image via Splash]