'Indescribably Happy' Natalie Portman Will Fill You With Joy or Rage, DependingS

Your feelings about Natalie Portman's Uterus Theme Week are a window to your soul. Taylor Swift and Gwyneth Paltrow are besties. Miley's salvia bong for sale. Lily Allen and LeAnn Rimes are engaged. (Separately.) Tuesday gossip is aglow.

  • Natalie Portman on her pregnancy and engagement to ballet-dancing beau Benjamin Millepied: "I have always kept my private life private but I will say that I am indescribably happy and feel very grateful to have this experience." In casual conversation,the NaPo-BenMil pregnancy tends to have one of two polarized reactions: (a.) "I hope the baby is a dancer!" (b.) "I hope that baby is uncoordinated and fat." It's a Rorschach test of the soul. In other news, NaPo and BenMil don't have a single nice picture together. (Well, on their own cameras, maybe. But not publicly!) In the above photo from the Venice Film Festival, Natalie looks like she'll stab anyone who makes another "other woman" joke. It's a sensitive topic. [EW]

  • Katie Holmes would like to be a rape victim. In a play! Apparently she's up for the role of a rape victim who fight back in Extremities, a Mastrosimone play that will also star Chloe Sevigny. To be a fly on the wall when those two interact… [NationalEnquirer]

  • Gwyneth Paltrow is "like a big sister" to Taylor Swift: "[Taylor] has always wanted an sister and has fell in love with Gwyneth. She met Gwyneth through her musician husband, Chris Martin, and has formed a great friendship. They email and call each other all the time. They talk a lot about music, performing and acting but they also talk about normal stuff like boys and dates." Not since Sex and the City has such a perfectly optimized state of annoying friendship existed. Too annoying to be true? [Popeater]

  • 'Indescribably Happy' Natalie Portman Will Fill You With Joy or Rage, DependingHas rehab driven Demi Lovato into a goth phase? Spotted in the wild during a trip to the movies, her lipstick was suspiciously dark. If a lifetime of indentured servitude to Disney doesn't give a teen girl angst, I don't know what does. [E!]

  • In other Demi Lovato news, Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch—famed pornographer to the unwitting sex tape stars—says if it ever gets its hands on a Lovato sex tape, he will buy and bury it. Apparently he's a reformed addict and owns an outpatient recovery clinic. This is straight out of a Lifetime movie, or something! The pornographer's only weakness: Beautiful rehab patients. A thousand crisis management PR firms are taking note. [TMZ]

  • Socialite Lydia Hearst is starring in a movie that parodies Lindsay Lohan's life, and Dina Lohan is threatening to sue. (Again.) Maybe Steve Hirsch should swoop in and bury Dina Lohan. [TMZ]

  • The guy who owns Miley Cyrus' salvia bong is trying to sell it, but needs "AT LEAST a couple grand" because it has "sentimental value." [TMZ]

  • Lily Allen's boyfriend proposed on Christmas day, and an Indonesian resort where they were vacationing, and Lily said yes and wept with joy. [DailyMail]

  • Guess who else got engaged over the holidays: LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian! The wife he left for LeAnn "couldn't care less." [People, Us]

  • Shia LaBeouf and his new girlfriend, Not Carey Mulligan (I don't know her name, so let's make this as awkward as possible, shall we?) were spotted "holding hands during their meal," which is something I always read in celebrity sightings, but never see in the wild. Don't you need two hands to eat your meal? Maybe celebrities in love subsist solely on small sandwiches and beverages through straws—foods easily consumed with one hand. [JJ]

  • "Five Things You Need to Know About Kim Kardashian's New Beau Kris Humphries," #5: "He's a good guy." Are you kidding me? That's the last thing I need to know about Kim Kardashian's boyfriend. I'd rather know about his bellybutton lint (innie or outie?) than that. [People]

  • Bristol Palin doesn't have consent from Levi Johnston to take their son to Arizona, yet. Luckily, "Levi is not at all upset that Bristol is going to Arizona." Actually, that might qualify as an "unluckily." [TMZ]

  • Awaiting trial for three felonies for a domestic assault committed in front of MTV's cameras, Teen Mom Amber Portwood has a "no contact" order with her daughter and photogenic mugshots. If you ever want to see something really depressing, google "teen mom mugshot." [Radar, TMZ]