The Oprah Winfrey Network launched yesterday. New York Times television critic Alessandra Stanley calls it "a place where cynicism takes a holiday and mockery hasn't yet been invented." This will not stand.
We now live in a world where there's a 24/7 Oprah-based cable network. (Channel 279 on DirectTV!) Let's take a look at the floating cloud castle of the Oprah Winfrey Network from our sad little cave on the blasted surface of Planet Suck. Here's the line-up:
"Oprah: Behind the Scenes": This is a behind-the-scenes documentary about the last season of Oprah's talk show. Except Oprah has been replaced with a computer-generated avatar which simulates what it would be like if Oprah wasn't a notoriously nightmarish boss.
"The Gayle King Show": Presumably a show where Oprah's BFF Gayle King goes on dates with a bunch of men and in the finale gets married—to a man—so that people will finally stop saying she and Oprah are lesbian together, which makes Oprah cry.
"Ask Oprah's All Stars": Dr. Oz, Suze Orman and Dr. Phil all shout advice at the camera at the same time; whoever's loudest wins their own talk show. Losers are fed to a tank of great white sharks and torn limb-from-limb before a transfixed studio audience.