The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

The Oprah Winfrey Network launched yesterday. New York Times television critic Alessandra Stanley calls it "a place where cynicism takes a holiday and mockery hasn't yet been invented." This will not stand.

We now live in a world where there's a 24/7 Oprah-based cable network. (Channel 279 on DirectTV!) Let's take a look at the floating cloud castle of the Oprah Winfrey Network from our sad little cave on the blasted surface of Planet Suck. Here's the line-up:

The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

"Oprah Presents: Master Class": In this interview show, Oprah's famous friends—Jay-Z, Diane Sawyer—talk about how awesome they are. It's sort of like an infomercial, but for a person.



The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

"Oprah: Behind the Scenes": This is a behind-the-scenes documentary about the last season of Oprah's talk show. Except Oprah has been replaced with a computer-generated avatar which simulates what it would be like if Oprah wasn't a notoriously nightmarish boss.

The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

"Kidnapped by the Kids": In this reality show, workaholic parents are forced to spend time with the children they secretly despise.



The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

"Cristina Ferrare's Big Bowl of Love": Not sure, but we think this show has something to do with the fact that Oprah is cool with being fatter now.



The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

"Miracle Detectives" Do miracles really exist? No, but that won't stop OWN from having an entire show about the idiots who believe in them.



The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

"The Gayle King Show": Presumably a show where Oprah's BFF Gayle King goes on dates with a bunch of men and in the finale gets married—to a man—so that people will finally stop saying she and Oprah are lesbian together, which makes Oprah cry.

The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

"In the Bedroom with Doctor Laura Berman": Unattractive couples talk in detail about their terrible sex lives.



The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network

"Ask Oprah's All Stars": Dr. Oz, Suze Orman and Dr. Phil all shout advice at the camera at the same time; whoever's loudest wins their own talk show. Losers are fed to a tank of great white sharks and torn limb-from-limb before a transfixed studio audience.