The stock market is positively sizzling today, as Wall Street's optimism pushed the Dow to a two-year high. Sounds tempting, eh? Before you wade in with your wallet, consider this short list of "Do's" and "Don'ts." Consider it now!

But what to do?

  • DO buy low-cost index funds, like these from Vanguard. DO diversify. DO reinvest your dividends. DO leave them alone. DO forget they even exist. DO keep adding whatever little bit of money you can to them, on a regular basis. DO keep doing this in 2011, and 2012, and the next 20 or 30 years beyond. DO NOT FUCKING TRADE THEM OR CASH THEM OUT UNLESS YOU ARE FACING ABSOLUTE DESTITUTION.

When it's time to retire, take a look at your index funds. They have increased in value by quite a lot, with absolutely no knowledge necessary on your part. You can't beat the market. But you don't have to!

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