Fat Babies Make Everyone Hate God

Fat babies! European fake cigarettes! Brain-blaming! Japan-tic Chantix antics! Yoga boozing! Cancer tests! Druggy weight loss drugs! And dumb god anger! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while ordering toddlers to assume the push-up position!

  • A new study says that a full third of all U.S. babies are too fat. "Surprisingly, high birth weight wasn't a reliable indicator of whether a baby would be overweight or obese, experts said." So make them feel guilty right away, lest you lose the opportunity.
  • Europeans are all buying electronic cigarettes now, because of all the new anti-smoking laws and also cause you can stand around with a sort of studied insouciance with an electronic cigarette, as Europeans like to do. Jerks.
  • Having trouble keeping your new year's resolutions? Scientists say you can blame your brain! Having other problems? Also blame your brain.
  • OMG Japanese people love the antismoking drug Chantix so much that Pfizer can't even keep it in stock! Better just go back to smoking then, Japanese people! Or, better yet, opium!
  • "Too Much to Drink? Try Yoga." Uh sure, or try drinking less, maybe, you flexible lush? What are people even talking about these days?
  • Whoa, they're developing a test that could find one single cancer cell in your blood. And when they do you'll probably be like "It's not mine! I don't know how it got there! It must have rubbed off on me when I was walking by somebody!" And then the doctor will tell you no, you have cancer, we're sure of it.
  • Are you taking any "Fruta Planta weight loss" products? Hahaha, loser. Oh also they've been recalled for having illegal drugs in them.
  • This one's great, check this one out, seriously: "Anger at god common, even among atheists." If I was god I would be very offended at all of you, particularly the fat baby atheists on drugs.