The new year has arrived and it is awful, what with bird/fish/crab death, floods, freezing temperatures, and zombie ex-Vice Presidents. So let's just put it all out there and list the reasons why this is already the worst year ever.
Not to be outdone by their mortal enemies, fish have decided to die in vast numbers just like the birds. In God-cursed Arkansas and Satan-blessed Florida. I know this is a common occurrence or whatever, but still.
And what's with the more than 40,000 crabs that have washed up on English beaches in recent days? They died of hypothermia, so it's probably a sign that all the ice caps are still melting, making the water colder, and soon we'll be battling computerwolves alongside Jake Gyllenhaal. (Doesn't sound too bad, actually.)
Oh, and speaking of evil Republicans, inhuman monster Dick Cheney has no pulse but is still trucking along, writing books and sporting a new lease on not-life. Meanwhile his underworld bride who will reign with him for a thousand years after the Great Fires, Michele Bachmann, might run for president. Terrific.
It's really cold. There was snow in LA on Monday! And in Las Vegas, too!