How to Start a Letter

According to The Wall Street Journal, no one uses "dear" as a salutation when writing emails, because it is "girlie." This makes writing email so confusing! Luckily, we're here to help, with a guide to letter-writing in the 21st century.

Situation: Recommendation letter
Appropriate opener: To Whom It May Concern:

Situation: Thank-you letter
Appropriate opener: Thank you [NAME], I guess

Situation: Cover letter
Appropriate opener: Hey, I saw your posting on Craigslist for a naked maid

Situation: Letter to the editor
Appropriate opener: EXPOSE: THE MADRASSA THUGS OF BARACK OBAMA

Situation: Condolence letter
Appropriate opener: Hey Asshole, (use only if recipient is being an asshole)

Situation: Complaint letter
Appropriate opener: Sirs: I have been a longtime subscriber to Bang Bus

Situation: Love letter
Appropriate opener: [NAME], please stop emailing me

Situation: Letter of resignation
Appropriate opener: PEACE OUT YALL

[WSJ; image via Shutterstock]