The Terrible Return of Ted Haggard

He's baaaaack, thanks to TLC. Also today: everyone's favorite dreamvamp gets his ears lowered, bad news for Paula Abdul, good news for Katy Perry (which is bad news for us), and a misguided NBC show moves ahead.

Terrific. Ted Haggard — you remember him, Pastor Methcock St. Motelscrew — is getting some sweet, sweet airtime on the increasingly soulless TLC network for horrorshows. He'll have an hour-long special about him pretending to like his wife, while said wife crushes up Haldol with a little water and makes it into a paste, then rubs that paste on her eyes. Oh and their children will be locked in a barn crying while a startled horse kicks more and more gas lanterns over. Sounds fun! [EW]

Swoon? Twilight twinkleprick Robert Pattinson has signed on to his first post-Twilight project and it's... an adaptation of a Don DeLillo novel that's mostly set in a limousine? Yeah. Bobby Patentleather has landed the lead in David Cronenberg's Cosmopolis, and will play a harried financial whizkid who encounters crazy characters (possibly Paul Giamatti and Marion Cotillard) while on his way to get a haircut. Haha, get it? Because of Edward Cullen's famous hair and how he like wasn't allowed to fuss with it and stuff? Very clever, Pattsy. [Deadline]

Ohhh dear. This is from yesterday but girl it is too juicy to let go by. Babs Streisand is in talks to direct, produce, and star in a movie version of Gypsy. Yeah, she'd play Mama Rose. Oohhhhhh girl, don't you think Miss Patti is MAD as hornets about that?? Just mad as tooters. Tyne and Bernie and all the rest probably don't care at this point. But Patti LuPone just did it on Broadway, to great acclaim, and now old Barbra Streisand is going to waltz in and steal her damn part? Ladies, I propose a sing-off. "Rose's Turn" right now. GO! Though, honestly, Babs? It's going to be hard to beat this. Just sayin' girl. [NYP]

Grrrr. America's worst natural resource, pop bee-sting Katy Perry, is going to guest star on America's most increasingly annoying television show, How I Managed to Become the Least Interesting Character in My Own Story About How I Met Your Mother. She's going to play someone who goes on a date with Ted. Of course she does. They're made for each other. Guys, this is your mother, Katy Perry. Congratulations, you're half grundle. [THR]

NBC has ordered a pilot called Playboy, a 1960s-set drama about Playboy bunnies in Chicago. Awesome. Because, as we learned from CBS's Swingtown, nothing plays better on network TV than sex-centered period dramas. You know, 'cause those networks can really get into the sexy stuff pretty believably. [Deadline]

More sad news. Paula Abdul's new CBS dance show, Live to Dance, "plummeted" 25% in the ratings from night one to night two, which is not a good sign. Well, it's back to smooshin' up some Haldol paste with her good friend Gayle Haggard. "Smooshing pill-paste on ourrr eyes / On our eyyyees / Onnnn our eyes / We're smooshing pill-paste on our eyes / Until the screaming stopppppps" they sing, stumbling around in an empty field, a gray, bird-bare sky looming above them. [THR]