The Way We Live Now: starving. Who can afford food these days? Maize, soybeans, wheat... the prices are all ridiculous. We're saving our money to fund our empty pension plans, replace our crumbling football stadiums, and recreate the Rust Belt!

I thought it was just Whole Foods, but apparently food prices all over the world are going bananas (which are now out of your price range). The UN says world food prices are almost at crisis level, which is the level at which people like you and I start getting hacked up with machetes and robbed for our precious canned goods.

What can we do about this? I mean, Americans aren't starving, that's for sure! But still, the getting hacked up by hungry third-worlders is problematic. Well, the plain fact is we can't worry about crapola like that until we, number one, first and foremost, get our pension plans in order. Because pension plan losses due to the recession have all our US states really fucked up, and if there's one thing worse than an angry grandma with no pension, it's an angry entire state of Tennessee.

The second thing we need to to, straightaway, no delay, is to develop a lasting and dynamic plan to fund our professional sports franchises with public money. Because sports teams are finding public money harder and harder to come by, and clearly this could result in each and every pro sports franchise in America up and relocating to Las Vegas. Where is your civic pride now, Jacksonville? You selfishly wanted to fund "schools" and things, and now your team is gone. Solve this problem, then we'll talk food.

Of course, even if we take care of these important civic concerns, there's still an overwhelming likelihood that vast swaths of our fellow Americans will be living in a Rust Belt-style wasteland for decades to come. But at least they'll have football teams. And high walls, and lots of guns. And plenty of junk food.

Come and get it, you skinny unarmed bastards.