Jersey Shore: You Can Never Go Home Again

Now begins a very exciting new chapter in the most important sociological experiment of our time, when the Jersey Shore guidos return to their native habitat. But there are no past glories in Seaside Heights—only destruction.

The start of the third season of this little experiment wasn't like viewing our subjects for the first time, where everything was about discovery. No, this was like watching the beginning of the third act of a Greek tragedy. It started off in a time of peace and happiness and all the trouble was from the outside world. In Act 2, the guido's perfect paradise began to crumble, and the first victim—the walking embodiment of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch known as Trash Bags—was the first to fall. But Act 3 is the saddest of all. All our subjects arrive like it's Act 1, but so much is different. So much has changed, and you can see that tragedy is coming. You can see the sparks that—with a mixture of alcohol, hot tub water, and hatred—will ignite into a giant mushroom cloud. You know that by the time the curtain falls, everyone will be a corpse in a bloody pile to stage left, and only one guido will remain, and all he will be able to do is fall to his knees, raise his hands to heaven and shout to their angry household god, the Duck Phone, "Why! WHY!"

But before we start talking about the guidos' demise, let us first get a little more familiar with their language, so we will be able to decipher their strange tongue.

  • Na-na: A euphemism for a woman's vagina. It originated because female body parts—especially those in the southern hemisphere—are usually mocked, and this teasing, sing-song diminutive is a way to remind the woman that her body is shameful and should always be covered, unless she's in a hot tub.
  • Eject Button: A metaphorical device that must be pulled when a male is confronted with a definite hook-up that he doesn't want to engage in, thereby removing himself from the situation and keeping him from hooking up. Because the male guido is always, as they say "DTF," this is the most underused device in the whole world.
  • Done Ties: The process of removing someone from your life, which is usually caused by him sleeping with your best friend, refusing to have sex with you, or having an abnormally large penis and refusing to put it in you.

The dispatch, naturally, started with all the guidos leaving their hometowns and headed to the shore. Vinny explains to us that his father and uncles went to the Jersey Shore, so this summertime rite of passage is in his blood. "Like a monkey belongs in the jungle," he says, "I belong in the Jersey Shore." Nothing truer has ever been spoken. However instead of the carefree and hapless subjects we met just about a year ago, so much is different with our eight guidos. So much has changed. They're not arriving to a bunch of strangers, a blank slate they will write on in liquor, hair gel, and their own bodily fluids. No, now there is history to contend with, and unfinished business.

And remember the first time they all drove down to the shore, in their fleet of stuttering jalopies held together with duct tape and old Diet Pepsi bottles? It was so authentic—so right. Now they all come down in pristine chariots, glistening in the sun and purring down the highways to their final destination. So much is different, so much has changed.

The real fun starts when everyone started to show up in the house.

Here is how the scientists behind this project have rigged the experiment: the house has three bedrooms, two with three beds and one with two beds. Practically married couple Ronnie and Sammi arrive first and, instead of taking the room with two beds so they can cohabitate and couple to their heart's desire, they take the biggest room upstairs with the nicest bathroom, because—as we all know—the bathroom is the guido's sacred temple, so having a nicer bathroom means being closer to god.

JWOWW arrives next, but when she sees the house is empty, she thinks she is the first to arrive. Sammi starts referring to her as "whorebag," a not-very-creative name for girls she doesn't like that Sammi came up with in the fourth grade and still insists on using. She and Ronnie decide to play a trick. Knowing JWOWW will go for the big room upstairs, they go and hide in it, so when she gets to the top of the stairs, she just sees Sammi there, playing with her hair (always a guidette sign of aggression) and sneering her prissy smile. JWOWW emits the appropriate response: one grunt of disapproval. Yes, just like a monkey belongs in a jungle, so does JWOWW belong at the Jersey Shore.

There are obviously factions in the house. JWOWW, Snooki, and new girl Deena (more on her in a bit) are one; Mike "The Situation," Vinny, and DJ Paulie Desegregation are another (known as MVP); and Sammi and Ronnie are the last. Just like the warring tribes that populated the city or Rome before being united under the reign of Romulus, these factions must also contentiously coexist.

But there is not just simmering social tension, matters of the heart are also making things a little uncomfortable.

In case you need to be briefed, Vinny has an enormous penis. This is a much a curse as a blessing. Whenever a guidette sees his penis, she must possess it. She must put it inside of her body and hope that it will bring her genetically blessed babies. Snooki saw this penis in Miami and then fought over it with her nemesis, Trash Bags. Now we discover that Snooki's best friend, Ryder, has also seen the penis and possessed it. Not only did she possess it, but Snooki walked in on them in the midst of possession. And then Deena, the new girl (more on her in a bit!), saw the penis and got it into the hot tub to try to possess it as well.

Man, Snooki sure is in a pickle when it comes to Vinny—and you know how Snooki loves a pickle! She's excited to see him and hook up, but Vinny doesn't want to get serious. So her options are to either hook up with Vinny and pretend to keep it casual while getting her heart broken with every grenade, beast, and landmine he hooks up with, or she can...well, she doesn't really have a choice in the matter, because Vinny won't hook up with her again. He says it's because he doesn't want to get serious and doesn't want to hurt her. Too late, Vinny. But it's not Vinny's fault. It's the penis' fault. He can't help it. Women just can't resist themselves when they're around it. They are dickmatized by its pull. And who is he to fight against that?

My favorite part of this whole scene though is how Snooki swims over in the hot tub to try to seduce Vinny. It's the same move she used to lure The Situation into making out with her the first time the crew was in that house, but this time she doesn't land her intended goal. So much is different, so much has changed.

Speaking of change, it's finally time to talk about Deena, the new girl.

This is Deena, she is a supposedly a friend of Snooki's who got dragged into this experiment after Trash Bags was "expelled" by Snooki (even though she quit the show twice, so she wasn't really expelled). Deena is from New Egypt, New Jersey. That says so much about Deena. Just like New Egypt can never hold up to the cradle of civilization that is full of pyramids, history, and men at tourist traps forcing you onto a camel to take your picture so they can bilk you out of money, Deena will never hold up to the original members of the tribe. But she is going to try, damn it.

Just like New Egypt, with its developments of cookie-cutter homes and just barely above average public schools tries to outshine the seat of the pharaohs, so does Deena try to outshine all the other members of her house. She is the drunkest, sluttiest, fightingest bitch of the bunch. She is exactly what she thinks she is supposed to be. She is a construct created out of high expectations and watching the previous installments of this show. That said, she sure is a lot of fun. She claims to be a "walking holiday." But which holiday is she? Christmas with its promise of presents and inevitable disappointments? July 4th with its boozy picnics, regrettable hookups, and a whole ton of fireworks? Arbor Day, with all its good intentions and seeds that never take root? Administrative Assistants Day, with its vague entitlements and unruly underlings? We don't quite know yet, but we think she's going to be all of those holidays rolled into one.

Darling Deena walks like a New Egyptian into the house and gets all wasted, just like her mirror image Snooki did on the first day. See the only thing that hasn't changed, the only thing that isn't different, is Deena. She then decides that she is going to get The Situation compromised, and drags him down to her room under strange pretenses of finding her cheesy cowboy hat that she found on the lawn outside of a party at Jay 420's house. She then slurs something about how she needs to take off her bikini bottom and show The Situation her Na-na.

This is usually a mating ritual that works. While many men are turned off by women that blatantly and drunkenly throw themselves at them, that rarely, if ever, happens with the guido. He will take any opportunity to smush that is offered him, even if it's undesirable. We're not quite sure why The Situation said no, but we think it had something to do with the hat. It was really ugly.

What happens next is even more inexplicable for normal people to understand. The Situation takes Deena upstairs and in front of her explains to everyone that she undressed in front of him. And they don't care. Here is the thing about this tribe: if you are upfront about your shit, they're fine with it. They don't judge. They have all done idiotic things in front of strangers, so they won't exile you for doing the same. It's only if you do it behind their back or pretend to be something that you're not that they get angry. To a guido, being "fake" is the greatest crime.

After her exposure to The Situation and expose on the roof, Deena still wants to play and climbs into The Situation's bed, which happens to be in Sammi and Ronnie's room, because they are selfish and crazy and took the room with three beds. Sammi starts laughing at Deena, who goes downstairs and calls Sammi a "cunt." If she had said this to Sammi's face, it would have been fine, but saying it behind her back—well, that is "talking shit," the only crime that comes close to "being fake," under Guido Law.

That's how the fight starts:

Basically, here is how the fight happens, Deena is calling Sammi a "cunt" and Ronnie goes to defend her. Sammi follows. Ronnie quickly retires with the rest of the guys to watch the fight happen. Then Snooki joins in, then JWOWW settles the whole thing the only way she knows how, by punching Sammi in the face. So much is different, so much has changed.

Let's look at all the things we learned from the back and forth during the fight:

  • Sammi thinks Snooki is "fake."
  • Snooki thinks Sammi is a bitch. Also, Snooki talks to Ronnie's mom on the phone and lied and said Ronnie's mom thinks Sammi is a bitch. Ron doesn't say anything.
  • Ronnie's mom thinks Sammi is a bitch.
  • Sammi is a bitch.
  • Like many others, JWOWW thinks Ronnie is a "faggot."
  • Do not fuck with JWOWW.
  • Deena, the new girl, didn't cause this fight, she just ignited old tensions.
  • The Situation is stupid, but he is smart enough to stay out of the fight.
  • DJ Paulie Down just likes to watch.
  • Vinny was glad that this happened so no one would talk about his shower caddy again.

And while all of this happened, there was another familiar guest who had returned to the roost. It was the guido's vengeful household god, the Duck Phone. He sat on his perch, not ringing a once. He had cut them off from the outside world. He trapped them in that house without any way to communicate with the outside world—trapped in a prison of their own making. They thought they were volunteers for this experiment, but now there was no way to leave. There was danger waiting outside, but there was danger inside too. There were jealousies, rivalries, petty grievances, unfinished business, and squabbles. What was once a clan united in their own culture and strange rituals has been turned into factions of warring individuals, bickering over their differences. And at that, the Duck Phone, was sad. He would force them to work it out. He would hold them close until they were cleansed by his righteous fire. So much was different. So much had changed.