Dear America: You Cannot Wear Your Pajamas at All TimesS

It started with Pajama Jeans, the eye-searing fashion hybrid that's taken over our TVs. Now comes Jumpin' Jammer'z. Yes, they're footie pajamas for adults. Listen up, people: It's time to put down the sleepwear and start wearing real clothes again.

I mean, really people. Pajama Jeans? Jeans are the things that you wear when it's too hard to wear any other kind of pants. That means that, for everyone who bought a pair of Pajama Jeans, it is sometimes too hard to wear jeans. Who are these people? Celluloid jellyfish creations that don't even have legs? Obese Americans who can't be tortured by the requirements of a non-elastic closure? Bloggers? Even people who work from home know that at some point, no matter how much you might not want to, you have to put on a pair of pants, a skirt, a kilt, or some other lower extremities-covering piece of apparel and face the day like an actual human being that lives in the world. A world with pants, skirts, and standards.

Yes, there is that famous tale about the time Mark Zuckerberg showed up for a meeting in his pajamas. That does not mean that by wearing the most comfortable thing you can at all times that you will be a young billionaire as well. That is highly unlikely. It is much more likely that you will be something far more common: an average, regular, everyday slob.

And this other abomination, Jumpin' Jammer'z—which sounds like a roller derby team but is hyphenated like a drag queen name—these are just sad. More and more our culture wants to turn us into a bunch of adolescents. Adolescents who never have to wear anything uncomfortable or stop watching cartoons or do things that we might find difficult—but adolescents with real jobs and spending power that are easily caught in the nostalgia trap. That's where the big money's at, people! These footie pajamas are just another crutch to keep you from crawling out from your cradle and living a sober, adult life. The makers of this product want you to part with your hard-earned cash for that feeling of warmth and security you had when you would wake up on Saturday morning and sit in front of Heckle and Jeckle cartoons while your mother poured you a bowl of sugar cereal and catered to your every whim. No responsibility, no ambition, just the pure, mindless pursuit of pleasure.

Grow up! You are a big boy now and you can't do everything when you want to do it and you can't wear anything whenever you want to wear it. Sometimes you need to clean the gutters. Sometimes you need to go pick up your mother-in-law from the airport. Sometimes you put on pants with a zipper and a button, a real shirt, and shoes and go out into the cold hard world and do something with your life. No one wants to, but you have to, for the sake of decency and civilization as we know it! Be something other than some stupid corporation's drooling, whining cash machine and make yourself into a real, whole, grown-up person. A good first step is always getting dressed.