The Pope Hates Your Weird Name

Uh-oh! Are you named something weird, like "Trig" or "Bristol"? You might go to Hell! Or at least, get in trouble with the Pope. He told some people that Catholics should have Christian names, and Italians flipped out.

According to Reuters, the Italian press freaked at this:

The pope... said... that every new member of the faith acquires the character of a son or daughter of the Church "starting from a Christian name."

This, he said, was "an unequivocal sign that the Holy Spirit gives a rebirth to people in the womb of the Church."

"Give Your Children Christian Names," the papers read the next day, though, presumably in Italian ("Give-a You Children The Christian-a Names-a Spaghetti!"). They even provided lists of names! And since we aspire to be just as service-y as Italian editors, here's a list of names you should not give your children, if you want to go to Heaven:

  • Chelsea
  • Crystal
  • Heather
  • Mohammed
  • Cruz
  • Lady Gaga
  • Apple
  • Butthead
  • Jewish
  • Mars Bar
  • :David-Wynn:
  • Some weird symbol or something
  • Jay-Z
  • Ilovethedevil
  • Thepopesucks
  • Barack

[Reuters; image via Getty]