Even If You Were Rich You Wouldn't Enjoy It

The Way We Live Now: aspiring to livability. That would be great, to be able to afford to live. Having an adequate amount of a stable currency? That's it. Gives us a warm feeling, like the heroin rich people get.

Can you believe people all over the world are still asking for a "living wage?" In this day and age? It's like hey man, read the newspapers! This is not the time for luxuries like a living wage!

Get real!

We'll tell you what we'll do. We can offer you some other things instead. Like a 67% state tax increase. That we can do. We're also prepared to throw in a study saying that most rich people "don't feel very rich." That's something you can take home and treasure. Even if you were rich, you wouldn't feel like it, so why be rich? You got it now.

As a special one-time offer, we'll also see to it that your nation's once-proud currency slowly but surely becomes less desirable than the Chinese yuan, and even—here's the kicker—less popular than the currency of the war-torn country that you recently invaded.

And hey, if you still feel bad, go ahead and treat yourself to a holiday splurge. You deserve it. (But you can't afford it. Ha.)