It's January, and that means it's time for everyone to join a gym and then quickly stop going to the gym out of laziness, in a trend-story-friendly manner. What a goddamn waste of money. Below, ten methods for becoming hardcore.
1. Acquire a bully. There is simply no better motivation for working out than knowing that you face the very real possibility of being beaten up by someone bigger and stronger than you, each and every day. If you don't currently have a bully, just go around mouthing off until you get one.
2. Caffeine. What is the secret of all those people who exercise way more than you? How do they find the magical motivation to make it to the gym after a long day at work, or to wake up insanely early in the morning to work out? Caffeine. They drink more caffeine than you. Ingest a minimum of one Red Bull's worth of caffeine before each gym visit.
3. Get horribly embarrassed. Simply allow a man or woman that you fancy to "accidentally" see you with your shirt off. The resulting shame should give you all the motivation you need to get in shape, or kill yourself.
4. Go off your meds. Do you have uncontrollable anger issues? Severe depression? Trouble coping with life unaided by a rainbow of pharmaceuticals? Throw all those pills in the trash. You'll find that intense exercise unto the point of exhaustion and collapse does a wonderful job of clearing your mind from all your worrries—for a while. Then your worries return, and you have to exercise again, and it's all a vicious cycle, which is exactly what we're going for.
5. Take up some stupid sport. Intramural volleyball? Rec league basketball? Office softball? Any one of these can provide you with the motivation to get in better shape, provided you're the type of person who becomes intensely competitive in improper settings. Side effect: you're an asshole.
6. Be poor. You know who's always in great shape? People unable to afford the various luxuries that make up the typical cushy first-world American life, from cars to plentiful food to entertainment options that don't require sweat, blood, and/ or vomit. This person could be you, with a few bad choices. Make them.
7. Get a "gym buddy." Yea, this will get you to the gym. Where you can be that guy monopolizing the bench talking to your friend while both of you collectively complete three sets in the course of an hour. Do not get a "gym buddy."
8. Write a book about it. "How I Lost 80 Pounds In a Year—And Found My Soul." "From Couch Potato to Hottie in Just 12 Months." "The Year of Living Sweatily." Or some other title. You'd have to do it once you signed the book contract. Side effect: you're an asshole. Christ, these ideas are getting worse.
9. Marry unwisely. You'd go just about anywhere as long as that bitch isn't there.
10. Acquire the Eye of the Tiger. Have you seen it? Oh, there it is.