Jersey Shore: Anatomy of a Bender

No one knows how to party like the guidettes of Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time. But the drinking can go from fun to filthy. Let us have a close look at Snooki's drunkest moment.

But before we dissect this very important moment in the evolution of one of our subjects, let's first get the definition for a few of their words so we can understand just what these people are talking about.

  • Bulldozer: A person who is so drunk that he will not listen to reason and is only doing what he wants to do no matter what. His combination of poor motor control and lack of judgment combines to create a brute force that can level anyone standing in his way.
  • Mind Condom: This is a device that was invented by the guido that will keep him (or her) from being "mind fucked" by a member of the opposite gender, especially when they spring some sort of trap for him from which there is no escape. However, due to the general insanity of the species when dealing with romantic escapades, the device is not effective at all. It should be called the Mind Rhythm Method.
  • Spot: The definition and origin of this specific term are still vague. One can say to a guy, "I am ruining your spot," when he is trying to hook up with a woman. Spot can mean both the ruse by which he is trying to coerce a woman into bed or it can be a term for the gullible woman for which he is laying down an ornate canard. It can also be used when referring to a woman trying to bed a man. Again, this term is evolving.

Now that we know of what they speak, we need to take a closer look at the alcohol consumption of the guidette. Her drunkenness seems to be entirely different and more dangerous than that of the male guido. When he consumes to excess, he just gets violent and slightly unruly. It isn't pretty, but it is easily contained, and he usually has control of his speech, movement, and other faculties until he can make it home and try to smash with an equally inebriated female before facing the reality that the alcohol has turned his "smush" into mush.

For the women it is much more unruly and dangerous. First of all, the guidette is much smaller than her overinflated male counterparts, which means she gets inebriated much more quickly. Also, she is usually wearing tight and/or restrictive clothing that makes her movement while intoxicated that much more difficult. Finally, rather than making her violent, alcohol makes the guidette want to engage in stupendously stupid behavior. We're not talking your average drunken escapades that women the world over enjoy in their youth. No, this is something special. It is a flailing, unhygienic, slightly deranged kind of revelry. This comes from their ancient ancestors. An archeological dig in the Mediterranean just uncovered evidence that the first guidettes were actually maenads, the drunken followers of the god Dionysus who used to get drunk on wine and, when not engaging in indiscriminate displays of sexuality, run through the countryside screeching incoherently and ripping their garments from their bodies.

This seems to be something they have passed down through the generations, and we have evidence.

Just look at Deena's dance. It has in it something of the prehistoric wild woman. She whips her body about, throwing herself into peril. The sad thing about this display is that, as usual, the male is enabling the drunken female's behavior. He helps her up repeatedly, even if it means lifting up her garment and exposing the blurry bits that lurk underneath. Yes, Deena is not a walking holiday, but a stumbling embodiment of the feast of Dionysus.

JWOWW is also no stranger to being carried away by the spirits of the spirits. Like most thing's, JWOWW's behavior is a combination of male and female attributes. She has a tendency for violent outbursts, especially when intoxicated, but she doesn't have a handle on her body—or bodily functions—like the guido. Let us take a look at this maenad-like behavior when she is partying at Karma, the traditional guido party space and breeding ground.

Part of the guidette's drunken protocol is that they engage in behavior that is completely outside the norm and find it not only acceptable, but preferable. This is how we know that they are followers of Dionysus, for their depravity allows us to have a better grasp of our own sanity. Because we are not so far gone that we are peeing behind an abandoned bar at a nightclub, we feel that we are normal, that we are fully in control, and, indeed, virtuous.

But now we must address the unique behavior of the boozy heffalump known as Snooki. The trouble started the same night at Karma that Deena fell off the stage repeatedly and JWOWW urinated behind the bar. The thing about the revelry of our modern-day maenads is that it never happens while they are alone. It is something of a group thrall, egged on and reinforced by the behavior of the others in the group. Snooki got so drunk that when she woke up in the morning and had to report for work, she was still under the spell of the devil's water.

This is where things become dangerous. When a drunken guidette has her friends to watch out for her, she'll usually steer clear of any real trouble. It's when she's drunk and alone that the real trouble starts. The normalizing influence of her sisters is gone and she completely loses touch with reality until something truly horrible occurs. Let us use Snooki as an example to see the stages of guidette's unraveling. Here is what happens when she has to report for work the next day.

  • Stage One: Slovenliness: Snooki arrives to work wearing her clothes from the night before, a hat, sunglasses, slippers, and a blanket.
  • Stage Two: Desperation: Snooki tries to steal beer from the fridge at the Shore Store. Her boss, the indefatigable Danny, can not stop her, despite many attempts. She eventually ends up chugging a beer through a funnel while locked in the bathroom.
  • Stage Three: Deception: Snooki tells Danny she is going out for coffee. She really goes out and does shots on the boardwalk.
  • Stage Four: Feeding Frenzy: Snooki seeks out fried pickles on the Boardwalk. This is the first solid sustenance she's had in two days.
  • Stage Five: Loss of Judgment: Snooki joins up with JWOWW and Deena, who are now sober(ish) so they won't encourage Snooki's behavior. She does a body shot with a nasty old man at a bar.
  • Stage Six: Marauding: Snooki, like her ancestors, is now running through the countryside screaming. She is scampering down the boardwalk shouting, "Where's the beach? Where's the beach?" though it is clearly in front of her. She has an altercation with a bike which ends with her falling to the ground, her blurry bits exposed to the world.
  • Stage Seven: Defiance: Snooki will not listen to reason when JWOWW and Deena try to get her to go home and sober up. She repeatedly tries to escape them.
  • Stage Eight: Physical Shut Down: Snooki can no longer speak or walk. She repeatedly falls to the ground, covering herself in sand. There is a huge crowd watching her behavior, because it is interesting and terrifying.
  • Stage Nine: Containment: Watch for yourself.

And there we have it. Snooki's bender was brought to an end. We'll have to deal with the aftermath in our next dispatch.

But a drunken guidette isn't the only one who can act completely irrational. Once again Sammi proves that when it comes to the ways of love, she is completely crazy. Out of the blue, she confronts Ronnie and tells him to tell her what he did. She thinks if he confronts him like this, he'll open up honestly and reveal the truth about the relationship. As usual, she is misguided. He, naturally, has no idea to what she's referring when she pops this question He then questions her motives, she gets upset, which gets him upset, which makes her cry.

Sammi is starting to realize that she sacrificed her allegiance with the women of the house to be with Ronnie, who was lying to her and cheating on her. Now she doesn't trust him, and wants to hear all about his infidelities. Ronnie isn't the smartest fried clam at the oyster bar, but he knows better than to engage in this silly gambit with Sammi. If he opens his mouth, it's only going to end badly. He has come to realize that she doesn't trust him and is out to make him as miserable as she is. That means that Ronnie is now "done." Yes, that is a done in quotation marks, because we know that he isn't really finished with the relationship for good, just for now.

This fight does bring Sammi to her senses and she apologizes to Snooki for treating her badly and tries to get closer with Deena, who she never even gave a chance. However, she and JWOWW are done. There are no quotation marks because they are not interested in being friends with each other. Sorry, Sammi, but until you get the alpha female of the house on your side, you're never going to get back into the girls' good graces.

Of course once Sammi and Ronnie have a minute to cool off and a few drinks in their system, they're making up all over again and trying to make it work. For an instant Sammi has both her friends and her boyfriend. It's a momentary happiness. It's a bit of calm. What is Sammi going to do to fuck it up?

She is certainly not going to hook up with anyone else in the house, that's for sure. That is left to Snooki and Deena. Snooki, of course, is still dickmatized by her taste of Vinny's enormous schlong. She has even named it: Seabiscuit. Yes, just like the horse. It is a rather appropriate moniker, for it is large, powerful, of a brownish hue, and always a winner. Deena has her situation situated on The Situation and her situation will not situate another situation until she has sitched The Situation's situation. She and Snooki, like good guidettes, can't be too pushy when it comes to bedding the boys. We have discovered that unless a guido thinks that a girl is putting out just for him, he can not be enticed into bed. That is how they come up with this plan.

Oh, ladies. Your trick almost worked! But The Situation's situation will not be situated so situationally. Neither will Seabiscuit enter Snooki's race because she crawled into bed with it (though Snooki is exactly like a jockey: small, wearing garish colors, and with a strange dome on her head). They still haven't adequately convinced the men they want them and them alone.

And the guidos at the shore have enough problems, because women from their past are starting to come back. First, The Situation hooked up with Paula, the spectacular mess we met in season one. Wow, Paula was a trip. The first time we met her, she got wasted, got into the hot tub naked, fell down the stairs, smashed The Situation, and missed her first day of work because she was drunk in the guido's house. Oh, Paula, you had such promise. This time around you just hooked up with Sitch. That's old news. We expect more from you! However, your new hairstyle is, as the guidos would say, "bangin'."

Remember that Paula was rescued from the house by Lauren, the girl who works at the tanning salon and is the only known female gorilla in existence? Well, Lauren was back too. While Paula was sleeping with Sitch, Lauren was interrupting JWOWW's good time with her ex, Roger. Roger, who looks like an extra on Oz, has a girlfriend, but was all up in JWOWW's grill. In walks Lauren and tells JWOWW that Roger has a girlfriend. Yes, there she goes again ruining the party, banging and banging and banging on the door until everyone is awake and behaving appropriately. Man, Paula and Lauren really need their own show.

While it was great to see them, the most important cameo of the night came from Danielle, the Agent of Mossad who stalked DJ Paulie Diplomat in season one.

What this clip doesn't show you is that Danielle is a spy who works for the Mossad in her native Israel. She was tasked with moving to Seaside Heights and luring guidos back to her homeland so that they could inject their hardy and unique genes into their gene pool. However, her rather intense method of extraction proved to be too much for DJ Paulie Downlow and she was shot down. And then, he brought those pesky cameras around and exposed her cover, thus making it harder for her to achieve her devilish espionage. That's why she is so angry, because she is afraid DJ Paulie Diabolique is going to ruin her mission for the second summer in a row. She looks good with her new haircut though, so she should be quite the honey trap.

What you didn't see was that, in a van outside of Karma, Romona the Romanian—Vinny's girlfriend from Miami—was sitting in the back of a black van. It is filled with surveillance equipment and she has on a pair of headphones, listening to all the action as it went down. After throwing the drink at DJ Paulie Doused, Danielle, Agent of Mossad, opens up the back of the van and climbs in, slamming the doors behind her. "Now all we have to do is wait," she says. A few short seconds later, her cellphone rings with its distinctive quack. "The assets are in place. I repeat, the assets are in place." It is Lauren, the Tanning Salon Girl. She has achieved her objective and gotten Paula into the house and ruined JWOWW's "spot." Everything is in order, the plan is coming together and the ruin of the guidos is at hand.

"Very good." Danielle says, and hangs up on Lauren. She then makes a quick call. "Expect them any minute," she says. The other end of the line is silent, because she isn't calling a person, she is calling a god. Yes, The Duck Phone has set this whole thing up. And it knows soon it will destroy all the guidos who worship it. Its eyes burn red with delight and if you listen very, very closely, you can probably hear him laughing.

[Image via INF]