Twenty-year-old Melanie Soliz and her fiancé Blake Hightower were arrested in California after police received a video of the couple giving their two-year-old a "pot pipe." Parents, please. You have a difficult job. But do not get your toddlers high.
It's happened before, of course, and I'm not blaming anyone here, except maybe God. It must be very tempting, when you have this tiny, stupid little person hanging around your house, to make it do hilarious things like wear sunglasses, and smoke marijuana. Why not? You own your kid, more or less. It already loves dumb colorful TV shows. And your baby has so much free time!
And yet: Your toddler is not ready to get high. Your toddler is barely ready to be alive. Do you know what the world is like when you are two? It's incomprehensible. Two-year-olds cannot keep control of their own bodies. Getting them high is just mean.
Now, for all we know, Soliz and Hightower didn't get their two-year-old stoned. After all, the police have not released the video ("The video is considered evidence and is not being released," reads KTLA's headline, and you can just hear the disappointment), and they may just be putting this "pot pipe" on or around their child's mouth, to likely hilarious effect. And in that case, I commend them, for only pretending to do something bad. But the rest of you parents out there—Nicole and Keith, I'm looking at you—do not get your baby high.