A wise man once said to "never fall in love at the Jersey Shore," but still the women of Jersey Shore continue to try to find their happiness through love. Too bad their quest only brings, tears, theft, and destruction.
There was some falling in love, some breaking up, and some indiscriminate sex last night on Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time. To most of us, that would be a momentous occasion, but for the guidos and guidettes their cycle or romance moves much more quickly than that of the average human. They're like fruit flies. While a human lives to the ripe old age of 80-something, a fly packs the same amount of living into a day and a half. While most humans have relationships that span years or decades, for the guido, it is just hours and then those relationships are trapped on a piece of sticky yellow paper hanging in the kitchen, twitching and scrambling their way towards death.
Still the guidettes always get excited about the prospect of new love. Especially Snooki, through which we learned something very important about the anatomical anomalies of the species. Through years of inbreeding and exposure to UVA and UVB forms of radiation, the guido is an actual genetic mutant, different from the homo sapiens that pervade the rest of our ecosystem. One of the mutations we have just learned about seems to have something to do with their digestive system. It seems that whenever a guidette gets excited, she is faced with the insurmountable urge to have a bowel movement. When Snooki is preparing for her date, she is so overcome with elation she feels the need to void her intestines of any and all fecal matter. This is probably due to the guidette's frequent inebriation, especially in times of jubilation. When the first urge of excitement hits, so does a rumble in her belly. She now has time to get to the bathroom (the most sacred space in a guido home) and do her business, as it were. This is most likely to prevent her from getting too drunk and then having an "accident" while in public, particularly in front of a male she's trying to impress.
Now that we have learned about their strange and foreign bodies, we have to take a look at their sophisticated argot so that we can understand how they communicate with each other.
- Meatball: A short, roundish female who is fun to party with but not someone a male wants to have a romantic relationship with. This association doesn't only have to do with a woman's size and shape or the guido's love of meatballs, but also their associations with the food. Just as meatballs are a good addition to a dish or suitable appetizer, no one wants an entree composed entirely of meatballs. Hence, it is a fun, but undateable, woman.
- Juicebox: A man with very large muscles, particularly ones that have been amplified by steroids. In this case the man becomes nothing but a receptacle for the drug (commonly referred to as "juice") and has no discernible personality of his own.
- Run Down: This is something like getting a chewing out by an authority figure. While most people would consider a run down a listing of information, to the guido it is a stern talking to, because even the most tame of their behavior, when recounted by someone in a position of power, sounds like an indictment of their entire lifestyle. It usually is.
- Golden Ticket: When a woman allows a man to have intercourse with her on the first date before he has properly courted her, taken her out, or bought her anything. Much like the golden ticket from the cinematic classic Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, those who score one of the rare items are escorted directly into a joyous place that many want to enter but few are allowed. This is the first guido expression that should be co-opted by the population at large, because it is rather clever and amusing.
Before we can get to the women falling in love, we have to first dispense with the aftermath of Snooki's notorious bender. After the entire crew (minus Sammi and Ronnie, naturally) go to bust her out of the clink, she returns home with her cleavage full of sand and her heart hanging low. She was humiliated in front of everyone and got the "run down" from her father, so she was in a very vulnerable place. Luckily she had her good friend JWOWW to sit her down for a therapy session.
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Snooki and JWOWW seem to think that her overindulgence with booze has to do with her being unlucky at love. As we all know, Snooki has a very difficult time getting laid, most likely because she much more meatball than main course. She is stuck in a difficult dilemma, she gets drunk with the boys so she can hang out with them and try to get romantic with them, but by doing so, they don't respect her or view her as dating material.
This has become a problem, and Snooki has identified it. Too much of her identity is wrapped up in her three addictions: bronzer, boys, and booze. While she is grasping to understand her existence and become a spiritual being, Snooki no longer wants the confines of her people's dictum that she must make her skin orange. She also doesn't want to have an identity through a man, she wants some agency of her own. And the alcohol, well, that's what fuels her and allows her to behave in such wild and wacky ways. But she doesn't want that for herself anymore. Snooki wants to be taken seriously and answer serious questions about the world.
Too bad her counselor is also her enabler. When Snooki says she's "fucked up," JWOWW says, "But you're not." Later, we'll see Snooki say she's giving up alcohol, and JWOWW convince her that, a glass of "pinot" is OK. JWOWW doesn't want Snooki to sober up because if one guido eschews their stereotypical lifestyle, then they all call into question the legitimacy of their hedonistic pursuit of drunkenness and casual sex. Snooki must remain a voracious alcoholic to keep peace in their closed-minded universe.
Deena, Snooki's meatball clone, has no problems with alcohol. While Snooki is having an existential crisis about her very way of life, Deena is not quite as evolved, and just wants to get wasted and have fun. When Snooki and JWOWW stay at home to solve their problems, Deena heads out with the boys.
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It is rare that the guido and guidette mix socially like this. Usually when they head to the club the men hunt for women in a pack, and the women form a defensive clique to keep the men at bay. Eventually the hunt will subside and the men will go home with women, but before that, they don't party together. They only join when there is the prospect of "smushing." But that is not the case for Deena, she infiltrates their group in a very shrewd way, by aping their own behavior, but doing what they can not. Deena, as a female, is allowed to get close to the other women in the club when their guard is down. She is allowed to dance with them, fondle them, and make out with them without going through the usual hoops of the guido's complicated mating ritual. And while she does this, the boys just watch, horrendously amused and utterly jealous that she gets handed what they must hunt for.
But when push comes to shove, the guys will stick with the guys and the girls will stick with the girls. We learned that when Deena picks up a guy named Dean, who is basically Ronnie's twin. While we're swept up in the irony of her "perfect man" looking just like Ronnie and the joy of a guido couple named Dean and Deena, there is something more sinister at work. We find out when Deena brings Dean home and the boys insist on introducing him to his clone, Ronnie.
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Naturally, in the small world of Seaside Heights, Ronnie and Dean already know each other, and we find out that Dean has a girlfriend named Sam. They boys know this, and still they don't tell Deena before he goes to hook up with her. It is against the guido code for them to impede another male from coupling with a woman. Their loyalty to the members of their own gender supersedes their loyalty to their friend.
Deena asks him if he has a girlfriend, and he lies so that he can get some action. She's wary, but decides to take him on his word. After spending the night together, Deena escorts him out in the morning. Sammi sees him leave and tells Deena that he has a girlfriend. See, it is the girl's duty to look out for the other girls, and let them know that the man they were with is cheating. If she had been at the club with Dean and Deena, it also would have been her duty to protect the girlfriend, who she barely knows, from her boyfriend hooking up with another girl, even if that other girl is her friend. Fidelity must be enforced by the women at all costs. No matter how much fun a girl is to party with, we have seen that the gender divide among the clan is insurmountable.
But Deena doesn't seem to care. She took her precautions and asked about a girlfriend, so she did her due diligence. When it came time to getting naked, she also did her diligence. Dean provided her with oral pleasure and got nothing in return. Way to go, Deena. You get yours. Man, I'm really starting to enjoy this mad cap creature they call Deena. She is not trying to fall in love at the Jersey Shore like Snooki, Sammi, and JWOWW, and she is healthier for it.
Speaking of falling in love and girls ratting out boys with girlfriends, JWOWW gets the go-ahead on her ex Roger. In our last dispatch Lauren, the expert cock blocker who works at the Tanning Salon, told JWOWW that Roger had a girlfriend, and JWOWW backed off. The next time she sees Lauren, she informs her that Roger is not in fact dating some girl named Heather. (Of course, if he was dating someone her name would be Heather. The guy you want to sleep with is always dating a girl named Heather.) JWOWW's interest is renewed.
See, Ms. WOWW has been having problems with her boyfriend, Tom, since the outset of the newest phase of our experiment. We're not quite sure what these troubles are. She seems distant and wants to pull away, and he seems resentful that she isn't showing him the attention he feels like he deserves. What JWOWW is doing with Roger is finding a life preserver before she jumps off the boat. She even says, after hanging up on Tom one of ten thousand times, that she is going to leave him. She knows this, but she doesn't want to be alone.
The thing about JWOWW is that—no matter how skanky she appears—she is really a one-man gal. The entire time we've known her, she's been in a relationship. She tested out DJ Paulie Dalliance to see if he could be a potential mate, but he proved lacking (not for want of bling on his thing). So she sticks with Tom, barely even flirting with another guy. But as soon as things with Tom are starting to spoil, she's lining up her next victim—his name is Roger. JWOWW gets Snooki in on the fun too, and has Roger bring his friend Nick to introduce the two of them.
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Let us pause for a moment to discuss our subjects' employment situation. It has become painfully obvious that the guidos no longer need to or want to work at the Shore Store, but Bossman Danny has them bound in some sort of indentured servitude. It has also become painfully obvious that he needs them to make his store successful more than they need him to pay their bills. Therefore, when these boys show up, Snooki and JWOWW just leave. They just walk right out of work and go to a bar. If anyone else were to do that, they would be fired and out of a job. What does bossman Danny do? He goes out and finds them and makes them return to their little ruse of a job. He is the worst boss in the entire world and, considering he has the most unruly employees one can imagine, his situation is just sad.
Now Snooki is totally in love with juicebox Nick, who is far more attractive than he has any right to be. So is Roger, for that matter. If a world-respected sociologist such as myself were to run into these two late at night in, say, a park or public rest room. Well, this is a scientific enterprise, so I won't go into detail, but you can only imagine that there would be a certain amount of sexual chemistry. So, Snooki gets it on with Nick and gets laid for what may possibly be the first time ever in the state of New Jersey. Congrats Snooki, but, remember—it's never as good as the first time.
As for JWOWW, she may be a skank, but she's not a cheater, and she doesn't hook up with Roger while Tom is still in the picture. But not to worry, he will be dispatched with quickly.
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The poor Duck Phone, always getting slammed down and tossed around. Don't the guidos remember that this vengeful creature is their god?
This is how JWOWW broke up with Tom. I'm sorry, but there has to be more to this story than what we've seen while our subjects have been in captivity. Where is all this shitty treatment JWOWW keeps talking about? Where are Tom's resentments coming from? And how is this a break up? She never told him definitively it is over. Perhaps, in the guido culture, if a woman hangs up on a man three times in mid-sentence that means their relationship is over. It's like the reverse of a common law marriage.
Before JWOWW can enjoy the bliss of being single for five minutes (before committing to Roger and going through the whole rigmarole again), she starts to get worried about her dogs, which were living with Tom while she was at the shore. She and Snooki head back to Long Island and find the dogs didn't die after being left alone for four hours. Canines are very resilient creatures.
The rest of the house, however, is a mess. Tom has taken JWOWW's bed, some jewelry, all of the money out of her PayPal account, and all of the data off of her hard drive. Naturally, JWOWW is upset, is very upset, and she cries real tears in her house while Snooki tries to comfort her. Yes, she has something new on the horizon, all those butterflies in her stomach, all those nights of making love for the first time, exploring each others bodies and getting used to scents. She has that to look forward to, but right now she is mourning the loss of what she had and the consequences of her violating a man's trust.
And Tom isn't too pleased either. He is driving down the highway in his pickup truck, a mattress tied down in the back. In the cab he has a bag that is blinging with jewelry inside it and a small device about the size of a thumb. He picks up his phone from the seat next to him and makes a call. There is a distinct quacking on the other end and he says, "Yeah, I got it. I got everything, just like you told me to. Yeah, I got all the pictures too. After I sell them, she'll never slam you down again." And back in Seaside Heights, while all the other guidos were away, the Duck Phone's eyes started blinking in a strange repeating pattern that few could figure out, but some would describe as laughter.