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It's Friday and I've already used up all my words on the Real Stinkwives of Murder Ridge, so let's go quick here.
- Crazy Frizzbo! I will call him Crazy Frizzbo until I get bored of that. Frizzbo was that guy with the funny voice and the wild hair who was all "People say I'm weird..." and it was alllllll about the current It Gets Bullying thing. If he survives the brutal Hunger Games that is Hollywood Week, I think wee Frizzbo will make it far. The voters will like him. "Frizz-BO Frizz-BO" they'll chant, throwing ceremonial Frizzbo Frisbees through the air, and I will laugh and weep and fart in my pile of royalty money for coining the name Frizzbo for the little exploded carrot boy that could.
- Jordan Dooley. Was that his name? He was the first guy who went up, the music teacher guy from Nawlins. He had a nice clear voice, he is young and handsome, and is fortunate enough to be living in the age of Jason Derulo and Bruno Mars and all them characters who have made sensitive male crooning cool again. He'd probably have to just be Jordan though, no Dooley. Dooley is not a pop star's name. (If his last name was even Dooley. Who can remember anything anymore? Things come and go around here so quickly...)
- I liked the big lips girl! She was nice and seemed confident in a non-showy way and just showed up and did her thing and that was it. It was embarrassing that people kept talking to her about her lips, because lips are kind of gross? Well, no, they're not gross, but saying that word is gross. "Lipsss" eyuughghhgghhg. Never say that word out loud! Only ever write it. Don't even think it. Anyway. I liked her. She will be the Jesse Langseth of this season. Yes, a Jesse Langseth reference. If not now, when?
I Did Not Like
- The ship builder who took off his shirt after trying to song-seduce La Lopez, prompting Randiah and that weird old judge lady to go up on the Platform of Prostration and show their own stomachs. Randy, noooooooo!!! "They should have sent a poet..." Don't look, Marion. Seriously don't look. The weird old lady has been hanging in a curing house for a whole winter season it seems, judging by the tawny and oddly taut swath of skin she displayed last night. But yeah, the whole thing was just embarrassing and lame and really who is that obsessed with Jennifer Lopez, still, in 2010? (It was 2010 then, it is now 2011, don't worry, I know what year it is.) I just don't get that. If you were all excited about Mama Lopes in 1999? Sure, no doubt. But it's been a long time since then. Keep your shirts on, everyone, is what I'm saying.
- Well... I suppose it's mean, but I did not like Lady Crysalot at the end. This new, sensitive Irdolskrinx seems to like ending their episodes with a tearful burst of joy and mawkishness. Last night we got a vaguely Tebowian story about a girl who was advised to terminate her pregnancy but had the baby anyway and now the little girl is doing fine, despite some hearing issues and other things, so this was cause for much weeping, framed around mid-'90s lady belting. She was good, she's pretty, she's the tear-jerk teen from Timbuktu. There's always one of those. Remember Angela Martin? Kara DiBoboliPizza's chair friend from last season? (And the season before.) Lady Crysalot is, so far, that character.
I know I am forgetting someone. Or not forgetting, but omitting. The little 15-year-old kid. You know who I'm talking about. I'm not mentioning him because I have not yet figured out how to talk about him in a way that doesn't cruelly reference the obvious. WHAT?? I'm talking about his haircut! Nothing else...