Is your child going to be a drug-addicted criminal? Thanks to the powers of science, you can now find out, years in advance!
A recently-completed study that followed the lives of 1,000 people in New Zealand found that children as young as three who were impulsive, easily-frustrated, restless and unable to think about the long term were far more likely to have criminal records, drug and alcohol addictions, and other health and financial problems. Don't get too excited, though! As of right now, you are not technically allowed to put three-year-olds in prison.
But take a look at your child. He seems cute, doesn't he? Or at least, not completely ugly? Well, don't be fooled: You are probably looking at a dangerous junkie in the "before" stage. Here are a few tests you can perform on your child to see if he or she is going to be a bad guy.
- Age 3: Give your child a long book to read, like Gravity's Ranbow or Finnegan's Wake, to test his attention span. Can he finish it in one sitting? If not, he's probably six or seven months away from meth addiction. Cut your losses and sell him.
- Age 4: Test your child's skills at thinking about the long term by asking her to come up with a 10-year financial plan for the family. If she can't properly account for the family budget, her own education, and your retirement, she's going to be an alcoholic.
- Age 5: See if your child is easily frustrated by pretending he doesn't exist for a week or more. Months, even! Does he get angry? Sad? If so, he's probably going to become a murderer. (Yikes!)
- Age 6: Can your child control her impulses? Test this by giving her a gun. Does she do something stupid, like shoot your spouse? She is probably already a bank robber. Call the police immediately and disarm her.
- Age 7: Your child should be persistent. Set goals for him, like learning a language over a weekend, or being ten feet tall. Does he give up? Serial killer, probably.
- Age 8: At this point you should just be drug-testing your child every eight hours.
Luckily for your sickening, criminal child, the hippie scientists who performed the study say that children who are taught better self-control have better outcomes than would otherwise be predicted. So if your kids are exhibiting pre-criminal behavior, you could try teaching them self-control. Or you could just rat them out to the cops. Your call!