Diet fads! Out of control kids! Food labels for dummies! Independent stomachs! Cancer vs. cancer! Old doctors! Killer pets! And smoke insinuating itself into your breasts! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—scolding, always!
- Big news from the AP: "150 Years of Dieting Fads and Still No Quick Fix." Well shoot. Check back in 150 years I guess.
- Kids who are out of control and don't listen and just run all over the place breaking things grow up to be less successful adults. Just like you told them a million times.
- Good news, idiots: the food industry has designed new food labels that tell you what's in your food. But not everything that's in your food. Just the pretty things. You don't want to be grossed out by your food, do you? No. There there. Eat your food.
- Scientists say your stomach has a mind of its own. Stupid stomach! Always eating! Your stomach's mind should be more on math and science.
- Listen to this freaking plan: researchers want to fight cancer... using cancer cells. Hey geniuses, maybe try something that's not cancer?! You know?! Gimme a break, these doctors don't have a lick of sense!
- Is your doctor old? He'll probably kill you.
- In case anyone out there didn't get the alarming memo this week: sleeping with your pets will kill you. And this is without even having sex with them. Your pets are nasty germballs that will kill you so keep them out the bed, or die.
- Hey young ladies who are "cool" and you go out to bars and smoke a lot, smoking in a sultry fashion, smoking away and looking good and then when I come over to be friendly, just to say hey which is not a crime, I checked, and then whoosh, you blow smoke all in my face cause you think you're so great: smoking gives you breast cancer. So there.