What Should Keith Olbermann Do Next?

Keith Olbermann's reign as king of the MSNBC bloviators is over. All he's done since leaving the network is tweet in a self-absorbed manner. What should K.O.'s next career move be? Allow us to offer some free advice.

Don't Be So Sensitive

Like all heroes, Keith, you're a man with a fatal flaw. You're incredibly thin-skinned. You cannot take criticism, not even from people so much lower on the media food chain that no one would have known of their criticisms in the first place were it not for your outraged defensiveness. The number of really, truly cool people who you named "Worst Person in the World" because of some slight to you personally is embarrassing (for you). Recognize the fact that you have an incredibly powerful media platform. Anyone of your stature will naturally draw much sniping. Do not stoop to the level of all of your critics. Allow your message to speak for itself. Don't let your personality obscure your eloquence. What we're trying to say is, stop being such a whiny little bitch. It's not a good look.

Ease Back on Twitter

Twitter exacerbates your already-troubling tendency to spar with critics foolishly. In fact, Twitter causes you to lower the bar on public feuding from "criticisms by bloggers" all the way down to "criticisms by anyone with a Twitter account." Twitter makes you appear to be a self-satisfied crazy person. All the pictures of yourself, the petty arguments... Jesus, man. Have some self-respect. Cool it with the Twitter.

Don't Even Think About Politics

Going from famous media figure to politician is a step down. Why do you think all those retired politicos are always trying to get into the media? They know what politics is like. Hell. Don't listen to what stupid people on Twitter say. (See above.)

Forget About Cable News

Ask yourself, Keith—is there anything left for you to do in cable news punditry that you haven't already done? Do you need another seven years of showmongering on cable to get your point across? And do you really want to go to CNN? Because if you want to do a show similar to the one you've already done, it's either CNN or... Fox News? No. Uh... TBS? Lead-in to Conan? FX? PBS? Who else is really going to give you a platform for the type of stuff you've been doing? At CNN, you're just a second-class Anderson Cooper. You did the TV punditry thing well enough. No need to keep chopping at that block.

Go Back to Your Roots

Remember how Keith Olbermann, before he was a famed eloquent voice of liberalism and bitchiness, was the wry smart guy on SportsCenter? It suited you, Keith. Because when you were a smart guy talking about sports, you were always able to maintain your ironic detachment, while at the same time allowing your intellect to shine through; you were able to seem like a guy that smart viewers would want to hang out with—would want to be—rather than like a thin-skinned TV star who loved the sound of his own voice (arguing). Sports is a kind venue for you, Keith. It allows you to be widely liked. Hell, do five years of sportscasting and then go into politics. The average Republican will have forgotten they ever hated you.