Britney Spears Walks Down the Aisle, and Other RitualsS

Britney Spears overshadows the bride at a wedding. Claire Danes flies coach, and won't stop bragging about it. Charlie Sheen's rehab will take three months. David Arquette is done with rehab. Monday gossip is momentous.

  • Britney Spears was a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding on Saturday. Tak about choosing a bridesmaid who will overshadow you. (But one guaranteed to buy the most expensive item on your gift registry.) Brit and boyfriend Jason Trawick stayed at a moderately priced Miami-area hotel with the rest of the wedding party and ate boring wedding food like "spaghetti bolognese" and "a fruit plate." She danced to a wedding band rendition of Frank Sinatra, and finished with a serving of tear-stained wist: Here is the life I would have had, had I not been a star. Cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart. After the wedding, she retired to the far schmancier Fontainebleau hotel in Miami. [People, image via INF]

  • Charlie Sheen plans to stay in rehab for three months, which means the next eight episodes of Two and a Half Men need to be rescheduled. Now 300 people are worried they won't get their paychecks. Last time Charlie went to rehab, they were "partially compensated," probably with leftover dimebags they found while cleaning out his dressing room. [TMZ]

  • Speaking of rehab, David Arquette is done with his. After typing that sentence, I realized I had inadvertently begun to hold my breath. [People]

  • Speaking of Charlie Sheen, want to know how much money he spent on hookers and drugs in the last six months? $500,000. His "nightly habit" was "tens of thousands of dollars of drugs and two girls." [Radar]

  • Britney Spears Walks Down the Aisle, and Other RitualsNatalie Portman was visibly pregnant at the SAG Awards last night, said the word "asshole" on live TV, and joked about gangsters cutting her ears off. "Is she the raunchiest leading lady?" Nah, just the most normal. [Us, THR, HuffPo, image via Getty]

  • Kim Kardashian tweets at James Cameron: "@JimCameron! I'm ready for my leading role in 3D! LOL." James Cameron responds: "Kim, you're already in 3D!" BA-DUM-DUM-CHING! [@KimKardashian, @JimCameron, THR]

  • Rootin' tootin' real gal Claire Danes is so just-like-you, she flies coach. "I feel like I'm bragging," she confided on the SAG red carpet. "It's the only seat available, and I have to go back to work tomorrow." So brave. [Extra]

  • Tracy Morgan reveals his kidney donor: Ex-girlfriend Tanisha Hall, who gave him a kidney before they broke up. Wonder how she feels about it, now. [Us]

  • Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are officially divorced. But it's not really over until the tall man and tiny lady sing with the agony of laser tattoo removal. [TMZ]

  • Lauren Conrad might be secretly engaged to her boyfriend, but "not wearing a ring because she wants to hold the secret back for her new MTV show." I miss the good old days, when people only hid their engagements to evade the rage of disapproving fathers, or justify continued adultery. [P6]

  • Britney Spears Walks Down the Aisle, and Other RitualsModern Family ginger Jesse Tyler Ferguson's new boyfriend: Porcupine-coiffed lawyer Justin Mikita, who sometimes tweets adorable pictures of himself and his boyfriend. So adorable, you can't decide whether to Awww or throttle a kitten. [People, image via Getty]

  • Eminem is getting $1 million to appear as a Claymation character in a Super Bowl ad for Lipton iced tea. Kinda hard to be badass when your job involves being rendered in Play-Doh while sipping iced tea. [P6]