We Support Your Freedom Until It Touches Our Money

The Way We Live Now: using all of our powers of sleight of hand. Congratulations on your democracy, Egypt! Please install a dictator as your economic overseer at once! Stability at any price—that's the American Egyptian dream!

Egypt, democracy, freedom, revolution, blah blah blah. What we really want to know are 1) Will you turn into terrorist Muslins, and 2) Will you leave the multinational corporations alone? Also 3) Will you please keep buying the things that we wish to sell you? For example, America has many nice guns that might come in handy for the active revolutionary.

Yes, sure, we can also manufacture t-shirts with any slogan of your choice. The important thing to remember is that the economy is part of the democracy! So while we congratulate you all on your imminent removal of Mubarak, we also ask that you immediately select an equally iron-willed strongman to crush domestic resistance in order to pacify the skittish global investors.

Look. We have our own problems here at home. Home prices are falling, and our rich people, the ones we depend on to support the rest of us leeches with their hard work, are falling victim to anti-tax cult gurus in Albany, of all places. And needless to say, if our rich people stop supporting us all, we'll have no choice but to loot and plunder the weaker, browner lands to our East.

So please, Egyptians: spare a thought for the needs of the global economy. Just because you want to be "free" doesn't mean you're free to be free—with my fucking investments, homeboy.

[Photo: AP]