In the northern parts of this country, it's already been a long, wild winter. That makes it the time of year when those of us in freezing cities fantasize about which tropical locations we'd move to. Let's contemplate the options.
Average Temperature: 66
Pros: Well, you probably already know people who live there. Everyone knows someone in Los Angeles! There are beaches and palm trees. Oh, and celebrities! They have Hiltons and Kardashians and two Real Housewives franchises nearby. And don't forget the movie biz.
Cons: Well, there's the movie biz. And the traffic and the accompanying smog. Oh, and the state of California is poorer than your Aunt Trudy after her trailer got repossessed. Plus you also probably haven't had enough plastic surgery to really fit in.
Average Temperature: 76
Pros: It's got gorgeous art deco architecture and it's near some warm, beautiful, sandy beaches. And it's a cosmopolitan city with many cultures blended together which makes for great cuisine and nightlife. And real estate there is cheap these days.
Cons: It is still in Florida, which is full of old people, rubes, and all other sorts of undesirables (like Bushes). The city was overbuilt during the housing bubble, so if you buy a place, you may never get rid of it. We shouldn't have to tell you that Miami is over.
Average Temperature: 85
Pros: Sure, you might prefer the urban atmosphere of Honolulu, but depending on where you settle in this string of islands, you could live anywhere from a secluded beach to a rainforest. And don't forget the surfing, fresh pineapples, and stable climate year-round. You also don't have to worry about any immigration issues. They can't kick you out of paradise!
Cons: Since it's so far away, everything is expensive, and with all that lush green comes lots of rain. Oh, and you're hours behind everything. By the time Oprah is on your television screen, everyone on Twitter has already discussed it, ruined the surprises, and moved on. Being last sucks.
Average Temperature: 74
Pros: A bustling metropolis, this is the largest city in the Americas with all the culture, shopping, commerce, and other amenities one could imagine—if you're rich.
Cons: There's also the overcrowding, slums, poverty, prolonged drug war, the water that will give you the shits, and the fact that the only thing you know how to say in Spanish is muy bonita. Well, at least it's warm.
Average Temperature: 32 (ha, that's Celsius, suckers)
Pros: This beautiful city near the ocean is known as the Venice of the East, because of its many canals. And you love pad thai. Oh, and prostitutes! And those ladyboy shows where people shoot strange things out of strange places. The people of Thailand love the American dollar, so your money will take you a long way.
Cons: The only Thai words you know are "drunken noodles" and those aren't even Thai. Then there's the issue of the flooding and the rainy season that lasts from May to November. Yeah, that's half the year.
Average Temperature: 105
Pros: It's a dry heat, people, so it's not that bad. This international business hub in the United Arab Emirates has gained a reputation for all of the new buildings, world-class architecture, and a bustling business scene. And you're right on the water.
Cons: The economy is in the shitter, its fake islands are sinking, and there are cranes in the skyline just waiting for a cash infusion to start them working again. Then there's the sand, which gets everywhere. Oh, and if you're a woman or a homosexual, you really don't have any rights at all. So, there's that to consider.
Average Temperature: 81
Pros: No, this is not a town in Missouri, it is actually the capital of Mauritius, an island nation off the coast of Africa in the Indian Ocean (generally regarded as the globe's most exclusive ocean). It has the second highest per capita income in Africa and most of the business is related to shipping and the city's busy port. It's surprisingly cosmopolitan, with the population consisting mostly of those of Indian and Chinese descent, but there are still touches of colonial architecture to make you feel right at home. Also, no one's heard of it, so it hasn't been spoiled yet.
Cons: Well, no one's ever heard of it, and the traffic is bad. Still, it beats a freezing winter!