Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI

CNN laid hands on some internal FBI documents rounding up the Bureau's disciplinary actions since 2008. Guess what? Putting your wife in the hospital gets a 45-day suspension, but fudging an expense report or smoking marijuana gets you fired.

The FBI helpfully collects all the disciplinary actions—suspensions, terminations, etc.—adjudicated by its Office of Professional Responsibility and sends them out to employees as a sort of warning. CNN recently obtained some of the synopses of OPR cases, and it sounds like G-Men have all the fun—like making sex tapes with your reporter girlfriend, looking up the criminal records of "hot" celebrities in confidential databases, and getting high.

But it turns out that the FBI has some strange priorities, letting agents slide with a suspension when they start screwing a confidential source and jeopardizing investigations and bringing the hammer down when they lie about expenses. (It's good to know, though, that screaming "Rodney King!" out your car window at a traffic stop, losing control of your vehicle, and almost running over a police officer—as one FBI employee did—will still cost you your job in the bureau.

Here are some hilarious hijinks that didn't result in termination:

Punching a nurse:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI



Throwing a phone at your wife, causing medical injury:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI



Selling illegal firearms:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI



Searching for dirt on "hot" celebrities:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI



"Extensive and repeated" sexual contact with an informant:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI

And here's what will get you fired:

Shoplifting:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI



Faking taxi expenses:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI



Smoking pot:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI



Sharing confidential information with your girlfriend and threatening to release your sex tape when you break up:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI



Screaming "Rodney King!" at cops making a traffic stop and almost running them over:

Drunk Driving, Beating Your Wife, and Other Things That Won't Get You Fired from the FBI

You can read all the FBI documents here (pdf). [Photo via Shutterstock.]