Jersey Shore: Unlucky in Love

Though it is their summer playground, Seaside Heights can also be a torture chamber for the romantic lives of the eight guidos of Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time. Behold hearts being broken and stalkers returning!

Between Ronnie and Sammi's perpetual rigmarole, DJ Paulie Deceptive's continued evasion of stalkers, and Snooki's inability to get laid, love is the hardest thing for the guido to master.

At least in Snooki's case, we have potentially discovered the reason. It happened in the opening minutes of last night's transmission, when the crew returns from the club and Snooki climbs into the make-shift dog pen in her and JWOWW's room and passes out with the dog. I fully expected her to wake up, the camera to zoom in on her face, and for her to put a turd fresh out of the dog's ass into her mouth. That is when I suddenly realized that Snooki is the modern day Divine. Just like Divine, Snooki is a bit over-weight, known for her high hair, garish makeup, and skin-tight clothing. She isn't so much a real woman as a hyperbolic idea of what a woman should be. And much like Divine's character in seminal movie Pink Flamingos, Snooki is generally regarded by mainstream society as the filthiest person alive. Snooki is Divine! That is why no one loves her. Everyone loves to see a drag queen do her thing and behave foolishly on stage, but no one wants to take her home and cuddle once the makeup is off.

Now that we have been enlightened, let us look at a few of the guido's phrases so we can better understand them in the wild.

  • Candy: What a guidette calls sex, because she thinks her vagina is the sweetest thing on earth.
  • Halloween: This does not refer to the holiday, but rather a girl who takes a boy home and "gives the candy out for free." It can be used to describe a slutty female, or can be used by such a female to describe her self, as Deena (the walking holiday) does.
  • Jersey Turnpike: A dance move performed by a girl where she jams her rear end against a man's crotch and then bends over. It derives its name from the highway, which seems like it will be open and clear and a fast ride—much like the girl giving ready access to her nether regions—but it is really blocked with various and assorted obstacles such as toll booths, traffic jams, and scuzzy rest stops.

That that we've gotten that out of the way, it is once again for Valtrex Presents Sammie & Ronnie's Breakup Story Time Theater. No, children, we swear that this week's episode is completely different from last week's, even though the events and tactics are exactly the same. Strangely enough, their breakup beings—as do most things where Ron-Ron is concerned—with something going up Ronnie's ass.

After a very long night at Karma—the same night where Snooki literally laid down with dogs—Ronnie got sick and puked in a bag in his bedroom. This is very bad because puke is the deadliest substance to a guido. In fact, when he barfed, Sammi was trying to help him and got some puke on her hand. It began to dissolve her flesh and she held her hand up in the air shaking it back and forth and ran into the bathroom. The bathroom is the most sacred room in the guido's house, mostly because that is where puke exits the domicile and where one can brush his teeth and get rid of deadly "puke breath." Sammi doused her hand in the sink, hoping the holy water would cleanse her of this stain, but it was too late. She was left with just a bloody stump where her left hand used to be. A huge sacrifice to make for her mate.

The next morning, Ronnie went and defiled the bathroom by taking a shit that was full of blood. Naturally, this was a cause of concern and they headed off to the doctor (we believe the same doctor that treated Vinny for the pink eye he got from dancing with a fat chick last summer). The guido's anatomy is a delicate thing and apparently too much alcohol makes their buttholes bleed. Perhaps this is why everyone got so upset when it was discovered that Deena likes to "suck a butt." It's one thing to perform a little analingus, but if that thing is spewing blood? Ew, that's nasty.

While I hate to make references that a medical procedure might have some sort of impact on or correlation to Ronnie's sexual orientation, well, he sure did make a lot of jokes about it. Discern what you will from this event, but at least he kept his humor about him.

After Sammi took Ronnie to the doctor and sacrificed her hand to save him from his own vomit, the tension started yet again. Of course it did. Most relationships are like a carousel. They go round and round for eternity, and the horses bob up and down a little bit, hitting peaks and valleys. This is healthy. Their relationship is like the Tower of Terror. It raises them up on high and then violently drops them down to the lowest low, again and again. Up, down, up, down, "done," together, "done," together. There is also lots of screaming involved.

This fight started in the usual way, with Sammi being codependent and needy, and Ronnie not wanting to oblige. Sammi wants to talk and Ronnie wants his space. We have seen this sad foxtrot so many times that we know the steps before it even happens. Sammi wants to talk, Ronnie insists he doesn't. Sammi threatens to break up, Ronnie takes her up on it. They're "done." Then they go and cry and whine about it to their friends, then Sammi confronts Ronnie for more talking, they apologize to each other, and they get back together again. That's how it goes. That is their minuet of misery.

But not this time. Something changes. They get some new choreography and stun the crowd. But this time there is no crying, there is no whining. There is just sad resignation. There are even plans for how to handle the dissolution of their relationship and discussion about where Sammi will move. Holy shit, they are actually Done with a capital D and no quotation marks. This is the end of their relationship for real. Thank god, because we can not possibly watch them dance and dance and dance for the rest of the summer. We'll just die. Naturally, though, this is the calm before the storm, and when the realization that they are D-O-N-E done sinks in, there will be lots of yelling, screaming, crying, and Sammi waving her bloody stump of a left hand in Ronnie's face saying, "You will never know what I went through for you." It's going to be the best dance ever.

Just as things are (finally) ending for Sammi and Ronnie, they are heating up for Snooki. She meets a lovely man named Jeff at the club and there is instant chemistry. She even takes him to the "smush room" but can't go in for the full smush because she's on her period. The world is seriously plotting against Snooki.

Again, we see a man using the guido's stripper pole for the female's amusement, a clever inversion of the traditional roles. And much like Jeff's turn on the polished chrome surface, so is his relationship with Snooki—a bit of quick fun that ended with a crash and Jeff hurt and making a fool out of himself. Snooki and Jeff are like peas in a pod. They're both short, wacky, and ready for the camera. They had a great night necking and heavy petting in the smush room and a great afternoon on the boardwalk. But then things turned serious. Jeff started talking about how he was engaged before, but he wasn't really engaged. And he would like to be engaged to Snooki, in a month or two. Man, he's really taking this thing fast.

See, Jeff isn't in love with Nicole, that deep-down essence that is inside Snooki that powers her every move. No, he is in love with Divine. He is in love with this character she created to show off to the world and that has become famous. He wants the drag queen caricature version of her real self and to stand next to it, to bask in the diverted glare of her fame, like the million little lights given off by a disco ball spinning endlessly against his face.

Snooki, naturally, is scared off by his aggression and leaves him and tells him not to call her again. But now he's desperate. He doesn't know what to do to get his target back. He does the only thing a person in his situation can do, he pleads to the guido's household god, the Duck Phone.

Jeff calls up the Duck Phone, trying to win its approval so it will aide him in winning Snooki back. But the Duck Phone has already judged Jeff, and judged him unworthy. The Duck Phone is a master of false information and it loves nothing more than throwing its target off course with a clever ruse. Since it can't speak for itself, it dispatched an emissary, DJ Paulie Diversion to deal with Jeff.

This was a clever move because DJ Paulie Desperately Seeking Susan knows a thing or two about stalkers, and he has learned that the way to deal with them isn't to tell them to go away, like Snooki does, but to lure them in and humiliate them. Jeff tries and tries again, but DJ Paulie Debilitating keeps knocking him down and having laughs at his expense. Face it, Jeff, the Duck Phone got the best of you. It's time to step away from the disco lights, past the velvet rope, and back into the dark obscure night from whence you came and where you will stay forever.

Speaking of stalkers, DJ Paulie Destroy had another run in with his arch nemesis, Danielle Agent of Mossad.

For those of you who don't remember, Danielle was the girl who came on to DJ Paulie Deresistable way too strongly last summer. We later learned that she worked for Israeli secret service agency, Mossad, and she was tasked with making a guido fall in love with her so that she could kidnap him and take him back to her homeland. Once there, they would use his hardy guido DNA to help make their gene pool even stronger. I know, I know, it sounds insane when you say it like that, but it's the truth.

This summer she has returned and, working with Ramona the Romanian and other female operatives, she's launched a plan to get back in the guido's good graces. Yes, she threw a drink in DJ Paulie Douse's face last time she saw him, but that was clever misdirection. When she inevitably runs into him at Karma again, DJ Paulie Duped agrees to talk to her. She apologizes and tries to make amends and he even invites her back to the house.

She takes out a small cellphone from her bag and presses a button. "I'm in," she says. On the other end Ramona the Romanian prepares the other women and they pack into a black van, which they park outside the guido's residence so that when Danielle extracts the target, they can quickly hood him and carry him off to the nearest airport to ship him out of the country.

Just when we were cringing at his mistake, DJ Paulie Devious shows us he is smarter than we think. He knows how to deal with a stalker. He draws them in and humiliates them. That gives them the message that he really doesn't want to talk to them ever again. There are no mixed signals, there are no unanswered clues. It is like watching He's Just Not That Into You on fast forward, but much kinder to your eyes.

When Danielle gets into the house, it's just a series of taunts and jokes about being a stalker from both "the target" and his allies. Sadly, Danielle realizes that she has failed. She can not pursue her target relentlessly, jockeying for its attention, and forcing it into the back of the van. She leaves saddened and defeated. "I hope you enjoy the rest of your summer," she says, dismissing him for good. DJ Paulie Delight celebrates, thinking that he is rid of his stalker.

But it's not so. Danielle left the house and saw the van waiting across the street. She opens the back door and hops in. "Where is the target?" asks Ramona the Romanian. "Have you failed in your mission again? You will bring dishonor on all of us!" Ramona sits down on the tarp and twine that was supposed to be used to tie down DJ Paulie Dragged and she brushes her hair out of her face. "Ladies, we have to think of a new strategy. We need to call...him." She takes out her cell phone again and presses that one button. But there is nothing on the other end. "Hello? Hello? Are you there? We need to know what to do?" Finally she hears one deep sad quack. The Duck Phone can't help her this time. He has nothing to say to her. But she waits and waits, the phone on the other end silent, like placing a call to heaven.