Gossip Girl: Never Trust a BelgianS

Snoooooze. Wasn't last night's episode boring? What happened? Nothing! Well, I mean, things happened, but nothing sexy, really. It was all about business and morals and, like, whether parolees should stay at your house and stuff. Who cares! Who among us hasn't answered the question of whether a parolee should live in our house a long time ago, and in our own way? These are mundane, well-trod topics people, and they do not make for exciting television. Sigh.

So basically the whole thing with Serena and Gentle Ben is still going on. She has a total boner for him and he's all "I wanna eat your sushi" (because bears like fish) but at the same time, he's all dead-eyed and slightly trembly from his brutal time in the clink, so it's hard for him to open up his heart and love again. Plus there are people on all sides of him who are like "You're a monster! Stay away from everyone!!" One of these jerks is Dan, which is seriously awkward because Dan's old man Rufus has just invited Ben to come live in the Brooklyn party loft while he gets back on his feet (or until Rufus gets on his back!). Dan is really upset that he has to convert his masturbatorium back into a bedroom, plus he has to take all the posters of Nate down (Nate has lots of posters because he's a pop star in Korea) and he can't do his one-man Def Jam-style poetry slams by himself in the living room anymore, it'd be too embarrassing. So Dan is P.O.'d that Gentle Ben has come lumbering into his life like this. He's even more upset because he can see Starleena's boner for Ben from across the river, pointing up into the cloud-churned night sky like the Bat Signal.

At one point Serena comes over all flouncy in a long coat and a sparkly skirt (man, she is wearing lots of shimmers and glitters and sparkles this year, huh? She really hasn't been the same since the confetti fire) and is like "Heyyyyyyy Ben" and Ben is like "Hyuunnghhhhh" and just stares at her and finally says "Pretty girl... Gentle Ben sad..." But Serena's not paying attention, she's just barreling through things and saying "Here I got you this present, it's a big ol' dildo, I mean it's a copy of The Count of Monte Cristo, because you got put in jail for something you didn't do, just like the sandwich, and also you read this to me when I was a little girl and we diddled." Gentle Ben huffed contentedly and then they ordered sushi and there was much strained conversation about sushi and they were drinking tea from an earthenware pot (love when sushi places deliver those!) and it was the happiest old Ben had been in long, long while. Until. Until shuffle scrape rattle, the loft door slid open and there was Dan, glowering, his curlicue hair bouncing on his forehead in rage. "I gotta go," mumbled Serena, her boner knocking over her stool and a vase on the mail table. "Dan, stay outta my life, k?" she chirped to Dan. Dan grumbled. Ben let out a sad roar. What to do.

See this was why Dan was so upset. Remember Erik? Of course you do. Erik is the pixie fairy who shows up and does this to the cast members every once in a while and everyone feels sparkly and weird for a bit but then the feeling disappears when Erik disappears. So in this episode Erik is friends with the kid from Air Bud, name'a Air Bud, and Air Bud has it out for Ben. See Ben knows Air Bud from back home and knows that he's a nasty old rotter and he's threatened to tell Air Bud's dad all about his wicked ways if he goes anywhere near Serena and her fambly. Well, Erik counts as that fambly, but Air Bud just can't stay away from Erik. (Not for the sexy reasons that Erik desperately wishes for as he scans Air Bud's Facebook page late at night, wanting so desperately to be one of the tube-topped chippies snug under his arm in one of the photos.) See Air Bud wants to use Erik to get rid of Ben. If he and Erik can convince Ben's parole officer that he's gone bad again, then it's goodbye Ben and hellooo easy street for Air Bud (and maybe, just maybe, helloooo snuggle street for Erik). Anyway, they figure the best way to take Ben down is to be in cahoots with the guy what done lives with Ben. Enter: Dan!

That's why Dan is all upset when he comes back to his party loft and finds Ben and Serena giggling and rolling around on the floor, rubbing wasabi all over each other's faces, reeking of fish, rice in their hair, soy sauce dribbling out of the corners of their eyes. He's just been told many bad things about Gentle Ben, namely that he threatened Air Bud, so he wants the dude out. But he's too polite to just say it. So after Serena left, pieces of yellowtail and salmon falling out of her clothing, Dan went all passive aggressive with Ben, bitching about dishes and stuff. It was pretty great! Dan is such a mean old cat. Then Dan saw that Ben was getting a call from his evil sister Juliet so he was like "Nunh unh..." and sent a text message to Erik. "Where r u?" it asked, and boy if it wasn't the most exciting text Erik had ever received. How long he'd, well, longed to get such a text from Dan. Pity the context was so grim and dire. They were planning a murder here, of a sort, weren't they? It was no time for imagined romance.

Air Bud, Dan, and Erik's big "Get Ridda Gentle Ben, Potential Orgy to Follow" plan was to go down at, of course, a partee. What was the party this week? Oh, it was yet another soiree for W magazine. Two in a row? You're slipping, writers. But yes, W was having some sort of mostly unexplained party and their newest star intern, Blinks Winksdinx, wanted to be the star of planning it. Trouble is her crotchety old (28 or so) boss Epperly was being so uptight and awful and Blair was worried about her performance report the next day so she decided that she not only needed to make sure that Epperly went to the party, she needed to get her laid as well. Not remotely creepy! Blair figured that if there was one man she knew with enough sexual dynamism, who would satisfy a woman's every need while still taking something for himself and being a little safely dirty about it, it was definitely Rufus Chuck. Of course it was Chuck. It's always Chuck. So Blair took Epperly over to one of Chuck's hotels because the W party needed a last-minute venue, but she and Chuck didn't really click. Mostly because Chuck is still carrying on with his business rival's daughter in a seriously epically boring storyline. But Epperly did kinda go in for Nate? So Blair switched gears and told Nate that he was going to have to close his eyes, picture the non-Brooke Shields parts of The Blue Lagoon, and drive it on toward home. Nate cried a little at this, but Blair eventually calmed him down, petting his head and saying "Sshhh, sshh...", and Nate finally agreed to seduce the nice lady. He hoped she looked like Christopher Atkins.

There was the party! It wasn't really explained why the party was a party or anything, but who really cares. DEAB (Dan, Erik, Air Bud) had their plan to enact. It was REALLY complicated, really devious of them. Basically Air Bud would get Ben mad and then hopefully Ben would punch him and then they'd call his parole officer and that would be it. NICE PLAN. Pretty complex, but nice. So Air Bud went up to Ben, who was getting drinks for himself and Serena, and he was like "Hey don't step in my face," and Ben was like "I'm not stepping in anyone's face," and Air Bud was like "Except my face," and then Air Bud offered his plump orange cheek for Ben to strike but Ben swallowed his rage and said "Get outta my way," and walked off toward Serena. WHAT??? How could DEAB's flawless plan possibly have not worked??? That is outrageous. It's worse, it's nutrageous. I can't believe the ol' "say something and hope this guy punches me in public at his girlfriend's party" stratagem didn't work! Bizarre. So now they needed a new plan. Air Bud took Erik's hand (Is this it?? Erik desperately wondered, Is it finally happening??) and put a napkin with some ice in it. Erik was confused, was it some sort of Kathleen Turner in Body Heat kind of thing, or what? Air Bud said "No, that's for your fist in about three minutes." Erik blinked. "My fist? What...? Oh... OH. You like it with ice? OK, that makes sense actually I..." Air Bud shook his head in frustration, "No, no Erik. Jesus. No. See, you're going to punch me as hard as you can and then we're going to say Gentle Ben did it." "OOohhhhhh, ahhaha, right, duh, yeah, of course, what'd you think I meant?" Erik sputtered. Air Bud rolled his eyes and the two walked off to go beat each other up in the bathroom.

I guess Erik really can hit hard! We didn't get to see it happen, unfortunately, but when the two boys returned from the bathroom — flushed, sore, smelling of sweat — Air Bud did indeed have a big welt on his face. They accused Ben, he didn't deny it, the parole officer showed up, all was over. Dan felt a little guilty, but what could he do? The curlicue on his forehead commanded him to do this wicked deed, and he can do nothing but heed its call. Still, though, he felt like a right ponce. Erik, meanwhile, was tingling and vibrating with the sexual thrill of success, so he walked up to Air Bud and said "Hey, so, wanna play a little Xbox to celebrate? Or something. Doesn't have to be Xbox. Or anything box-related really at all. We could play with our Wiis. I mean, my Wii. I mean, we can play with your Wii too. I guess we could play with both at the same time, I don't know, I was thinking that—" Air Bud put up a hand to stop this rambling. "Erik, no. I think we're done here." Erik's face turned into the saddest puppydog face since All Dogs Go to Heaven 3: Either Way, All Dogs Die, and he said, so forlornly that you could hear it on the grayest shores of the deepest lochs in Scotland, "But... I thought we were friends..." Air Bud scoffed. "I'm your dealer. PEACE." And he was gone. Just like that. Just like that.

Meanwhile Blair was having a problem with work but her boss was nowhere to be found and, surprisingly, she wasn't shtupping Nate. Nate gamboled up and said cheerily "Oh, yeah, she went off with some guy from Oxford. I don't know! Anywayyyy, I'm going to meet some friends at that new place Bedlam. Wanna comesies???" Blair sighed. "No... thanks, but no. You have fun. Say hi to the boys for me." "Will do!!" Nate trilled and they kissed each other on the cheek and he was off. Shit. Where the hell was Epperly? Well, Blair found out the next day that Epps had spent all night with her old Oxford chum and that, surprisingly, she had quit her job. She was done with the rat race. No more, no more. And then, insanely improbably, she gave Blair her job. Haha, I love when I get important jobs at magazines after interning there for two weeks. That's always so much fun. Shit, I should probably be at that big edit meeting for Scientific American. Oh well. So yeah, now Blair has a big job.

Speaking of big jobs, Erik now knew Air Bud's true, evil intentions, so he went hat in hand to everyone and made sure everything with Benji got sorted out. They called his parole officer who was like "Oh it was a scheme hatched by the son of a Belgian diplomat and his gay manservant? Happens all the time, believe me. No worries." So Ben is out and isn't that grand. He and Serena can smoosh til the cows come home and no one can stop them. Dan has welcomed him into the loft with open legs arms, and all will be well. (Right? Is that how the episode ended? I really can't remember.)

Of course there is the Chuck storyline, but does anyone really care? His business is in danger, but so is his heart. The guy from Spin City is mad at his daughter. There was an awkward makeout scene. There was dumb stuff about growing up in a hotel and hiding in the kitchen. Bahh, bother. Who, exactly, is the business story for? Boys? I douuubtttt it.

And that was that, basically! A pretty, pretty dull episode. Oh, wait, except yeah, they totally got Air Bud in trouble by going to talk to his dad. He was all sad whimpery when he saw them coming out of the embassy and he said "But he's going to cut me off!" and Erik and Dan shook their heads and said "Whaddaya gonna do?" and Air Bud fell to the sidewalk weeping "I'm ruined... ruined... I'm ruined..." Dan was content to go back to the sexloft to discuss with Ben the possibility of reopening the masturbatorium, while Erik headed back to the Lilymansion, feeling somewhat relieved. It would be a short-lived feeling though. Because as the cab rumbled up 5th Avenue, Erik felt a similar rumbling in his chest. He couldn't just leave poor Air Bud like that, could he? Destitute and alone? He told the driver to turn around and step on it. They headed back to the embassy and when they got there Air Bud was still there, sitting on the curb, bleary of eye, smoking a cigarette. Erik wordlessly sat down next to him. After a strained pause, he said "Hi." Air Bud put his head on Erik's shoulder and Erik put his arms around him and they sat there on the curb, watching the traffic go by, above them a worried sky glowing with wintry pearlesence. The lonely birds cawing and wailing, waiting for spring. Waiting for all of their vanished friends and loved ones to return to them, to fill the city air once again with the delicate, beautiful beating of wings.