Diet Coke Will Also Kill You, FYI

Breast cancer shocker! Gum healthiness! Lonely exercising! Teen girl suicide! Young strokes! Egg cholesterol! Diet soda heart attack! Baby obesity! And L.A.'s official guide to ecstasy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while rolling, in the official style!

  • Forget everything you knew about breast cancer: "A new study finds that many women with early breast cancer do not need a painful procedure that has long been routine: removal of cancerous lymph nodes from the armpit." Oh. Well. I mean I guess that's big and all, but I was expecting "It isn't in breasts."
  • Hey, you know how to stay healthy? Chew lots of gum that has vitamin C and ginseng in it. That's how you stay healthy.
  • Studies with rats indicate that lonely rats don't get as much mental benefit from exercising as non-lonely rats do. So if you're going to exercise, make sure you're not lonely, and that you're a rat.
  • Teenage girls are three times more likely to attempt suicide because of drugs than teen boys are. Girls can't hold their drugs, ha.
  • Younger Americans are having more strokes. As if we don't have enough to worry about! Now strokes!
  • Eggs got sick and tired of everyone talking shit about their cholesterol, so now eggs have way less cholesterol than they did a decade ago. How would you like it if someone made fun of your cholesterol (penis)?
  • Oh god, drinking diet soda every day means you'll have a much greater chance of having a heart attack. But I would have thought that downing chemical swill, which is a common habit of the severely obese, would be good for you? Also, does this apply to Diet Mountain Dew? I really hope not.
  • Giving babies solid food too early can make them obese later. This also goes for adults, and gremlins.
  • Los Angeles County made a flier about how to take ecstasy safely but now they thought about it more and they're revising the flier to make sure to say ECSTASY IS DANGEROUS, and they'll probably print it in big letters and make it look real wacky and also make the letters out of velveteen or something really soft and you can suck on them and have sex with them, to get the point across.

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