The Cheapening of Zooey Deschanel

The All the Real Girls goddess has signed on to a pretty bland- and regular-sounding Fox sitcom, which is too bad. Also today: Tom Cruise is about to get musical, Gerard Butler continues to annoy and confuse, and Miley Cyrus destroys SNL.

  • Zooey Deschanel, the morning dove turned into a dead-eyed human woman by a warlock's hex, is "now set" for a Fox sitcom pilot. First Failure to Launch and now this. The show, right now, is called Chicks and Dicks and is from No Strings Attached authoress Liz Meriwether, who thinks it's really cool and edgy to just say dirty words and be all "What? What? What're you gonna do? This is LIFE" about it. This show is about "the sexual politics of men and women." Shocking!! What's actually shocking is that Zooey Deschanel agreed to do this thing. It used to be a funny/boo joke to be like "Zooey Deschanel is indie boy jack-bait of the highest order and her poor sister is stuck on The Bones on Fox." Now they'll both be stuck on the Fox and the indie boys will be reduced to borrowing their girl roommate's (it's pretty progressive at Vassar) Blu-Ray copy of Black Swan. The world advances and retreats. Remember when Parker Posey did this? It did not end well. [Deadline]
  • Gerard Butler, perhaps the world's most inexplicable movie star, has agreed to star in a new movie! He's signed on to Curtis Hanson's Mavericks, about a daring surfer attempting to ride the infamous Mavericks swells in Northern California. Butler will play the surfer's mentor. Ughhhhh. Doesn't that sound positively lovely? Gerard Butler as a gruff-but-loving surf mentor? That's not going to be annoying in the slightest. In no way will it be like a hairy piece of mutton growling at you about surfing in a bad American accent. In no way whatsoever. [Deadline]
  • Normal heterosexual human Tom Cruise is apparently finally close to a deal to appear in the movie version of Rock of Ages, the Broadway jukebox musical about 1980s hair bands. Cruise will play Stacee Jaxx, a former gay porn performer turned producer and director who lives in Florida and works for Corbin Fisher hair band superstar who serves to both inspire and disillusion our young protagonist. In the B'way musicale, Jaxx sings "Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bond Jody. Will Cruise sing that throat-slammer? Can Tom Cruise sing? Is singing allowed in his cult? I mean, obviously not when a baby is being born, but other times? TOM CRUISE IS A SCIENTOLOGIST. [THR]
  • Well. OK. The new Charlie's Angels show, you know the one that's going to be so great and clearly they needed to remake this in the same way they needed to remake Bionic Woman and Dallas, has its new Bosley. And it's an actor named Ramon Rodriguez who is young and handsome and not at all what you think of when you think of Bosley. But whatever. You know what I want? Bring back Kate & Allie. Not a remake. Just call up Jane Curtin and Susan Saint James and have 'em come down to the studio and start shooting new episodes. It wouldn't be that hard. And while you're at it, Hollywood, bring back Models, Inc. Whatever happened to poor Carrie Ann Moss, who was sold into white slavery? These are things we need answers to. More than we need a new Charlie's Angels. A new Charlie's Angels is the Gerard Butler of ideas. [EW]
  • OH GOOD. Turn the sunshine up a little and tell those flowers to pucker their pretty little petals and whatever you do, for the love of God hide your salvia, becauseMiley Cyrus, a girl found in a tree stump by the ladies in the Cranberries' "Dreams" video (look it up), will be hosting Saturday Night Live on March 5th. Haha. That new lady does the Miley Cyrus show on the show and now she'll be meeting the real Miley Cyrus and probably they'll just smoke the peace pipe (full of salvia) and everything will be OK. Remember when I was like "Russell Brand and Chris Brown on SNL? That is the living worst."? Well, this could be worse, depending on who the musical guest is. That's a big depends. But right now... I dunno. I hope the SNL cast members like being yelled at by a teeth-monster for hours at a time. [People]
  • It's official. Nicholas Hoult, the boombalottie from A Single Man and the little boy from About a Boy, has been cast in Jack the Giant Killer as Jack, the giant killer. I'm not really sure what this movie is about, but I'm going to guess it has to do with a guy named Jack who kills giants. I know! I shouldn't speculate if I don't know for sure, it's not very professional, but it's Friday, so I feel OK doing it. Prove me wrong, James and the Giant Peach Killers or whatever you are called, movie! [Deadline]

[Photo via Getty]