Andy Cohen Prefers Knives In His Eyes to Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag is slagged off by Andy Cohen; the Playboy Mansion sickens dozens, while Levi Johnston's sister announces her intention to pose in the magazine. The precipitating factors ofPete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's divorce become clear. Chaos reigns in Saturday's gossip roundup.

  • Heidi Montag recently suggested via Twitter that she and husband Spencer Pratt were in talks to join Bravo's Real Housewives. Here's what Bravo's Andy Cohen had to say in response on his show: "Professionally, I'm not supposed to discuss any negotiations so I have to parse my words here. That trash is delusional and I would sooner stab… knives into my own eyes than see her on this network." Some parsing! Heidi told PEOPLE: "Andy's tasteless remarks were hurtful and completely unnecessary… I have always been a fan of the Housewives franchise and I don't appreciate being bullied." Yeeouch. Just give these two a cage and their own reality show. [People; People]

  • Did the Playboy Mansion sicken a bunch of conference-goers? After they went to a party at the Mansion, 80 attendees of the Domainfest conference came down with Legionnaires disease—fever, headaches, respiratory infection caused by bacteria that lives in air-conditioning systems. We already know the Mansion is a decrepit hellhole that smells like pee. Makes sense that it's also ridden with bacteria that thrives in damp places. Very gothic. Sad that they got sick, but these people were already attending a conference called "Domainfest" (as in, web domains) so how much worse can things really get for them? [P6]

  • The Pete Wentz-Ashlee Simpson post-split autopsy continues. What went wrong with their marriage, besides everything? One source told PEOPLE they were married too young. A source tells TMZ it was like they were living in two different marriages—Ashlee was bummed, Pete was psyched. A source tells US Weekly it was Pete's drinking and partying. Personally, we think Ashlee finally listened to Fallout Boy and realized what her husband was really up to. [Us Weekly; People; People]

  • Matthew McConaughey is obsessed with his Brazillian girlfriend, model Camilla Alves [P6]

  • Levi Johnston's sister, 19-year-old Mercede, is posing for Playboy. Johnston of course posed for Playgirl a while ago and disappointed dozens by not showing his wang. So, now both of these members of the vaunted Johnston clan will have posed for nudie mags. It must just be something about being named after brands of jeans and cars that makes someone destined to strip in a magazine. [Radar]

  • Lindsay Lohan's best defense in her necklace-theft case may be that the necklace was shitty. For her to be charged with a felony, she has to have stolen something worth more than $950. The boutique she allegedly stole the necklace from claims it was worth $2500, but a bunch of jewelers TMZ checked with said it could actually be worth as little as $800. Finally, Lindsay's bad taste comes in handy. [TMZ]

  • Kelsey Grammer's daughter Spencer got married, just a few weeks before Grammer gets married to his fiance, 29-year-old Kayte Walsh. They should have had their weddings together! Or is that creepy. [People]

  • [Images via Getty]