You Love The Rachel More Than You Love The Bieber

When it comes to embracing iconic haircuts, America would rather bask in the '90s glory of The Rachel rather than the '10s wonderment of The Bieber—well, at least at the box office. Everyone says Bieber is shitty, but today he is officially number two.

1) Just Go With It—$31M: With an assist from the world's oldest manchild, Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston had her strongest box office bow in quite awhile. Both of these stars of yesterday are having a bit of a resurgence. For a brief moment everyone in the world fell into a K-hole while listening to a Crystal Waters remix at Twilo and it was the glory days of the '90s again. I think this movie has something to do with Sandler pretending to be Aniston's husband for some reason then falling in love with her. Who would believe that? First of all, no one wants to even pretend to be married to Aniston, and secondly we all know that she is one sad, lonely, unlovable creature. God, you couldn't pay me to see this movie. It's like taking two really unappealing things and putting it together to try to make something so colossally unappealing that you want to go to it. It's like a store named "Joyce Leslie" in a strip mall in Paramus, New Jersey.

2) Justin Bieber: Never Say Never—$30.5M: No matter how many tween girls he can whip into a frenzy, no matter how many Twitter followers he has, or iTunes downloads he's sold, or how many members of his Wikipedia hacking army he enlists, it wasn't enough to make Justin Bieber's concert movie No. 1 at the box office on a slow weekend in February. And this shit was in 3D (which means the girls were not only screaming but flailing about trying to touch the Bieber in the theater like he was actually there!), so even though it made almost as much as Just Go With It: The '90s Never Stopped, it didn't sell nearly as many tickets. Justin Bieber is officially a failure. Send him to a farm upstate where he will be really happy with a nice family with lots of room to run around.

3) Gnomeo and Juliet—$25.5M: This very earnest Shakespearean remake made a shockingly strong debut given that most productions of Elizabethan theater don't tend to do boffo box office. With Dame Judy Dench as Juliet and Sir Ian McKellan and Romeo, their geriatric spin on this classic about young love seems to have captured the romantic imaginations of America's littlest movie-goers. Just wait for Nicki Minaj's soundtrack single "What Lite Thru Yonder Window (Breakz Remix)" to be number one on the Billboard charts.

4) The Eagle—$8.6M: It is a very tough day for Channing Tatums pecs. Not only were they not enough to draw an audience to this tale of a Roman legionnaire trying to restore honor to his family and to all of Rome by rescuing a golden bauble from a group of savage Scotsmen, but they also weren't even the best pecs in the movie. Jamie Bell—yes, little Billy Elliot from all those years ago—has grown up and has quite a set of ta-tas on him, which he showed off playing Tatum's slave, Esca. The whole movie is about the two of them learning to trust each other and then falling in love. After they risk life and limb in Scotland, they retire to a tony villa in the Italian countryside where they dedicate their days to healing the wounds of fallen Roman soldiers and dedicate their nights to rutting the hell out of each other while rubbing their formidable chests together. OK, that didn't really happen, but maybe that movie would have made a lot more money.

5) The King's Speech—$7.4M: Will you people stop seeing The King's Speech? At this point it's just starting to get embarrassing. I mean, how many times do you really have to see a quality drama full of inspiration and hope with several great performances, wonderful costumes, and a rousing script. I mean, wouldn't you rather see Jennifer Aniston pretend that she can act or Justin Bieber pop right out of the screen or Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen play star-crossed little people or Channing Tatum and Jamie Bell make the Roman beast with two backs? I mean, there are so many quality films at the Cineplex and you keep going to see this piece of shit? Really, America? We're better than this.

[Image via Getty]