Fast Food Restaurants Will Kill Your Teen One Way or Another

Birth control extortion! Female gay condoms! Plastic beating hearts! Frozen vegetables! Tap dancing! Fiber to live! Greasy teenagers! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in what we consider a positive way!

  • One thing that mean people do: "sabotage their partners' birth control, pressuring them to become pregnant against their will." Fellas? Fellas. Come on, fellas. Really, fellas? Fellas.
  • Meanwhile out in San Francisco they're handing out female condoms—to gay men! What's next, marrying monkeys? In my day it was one man, one woman, one old recycled balloon.
  • "A Plastic Heart that Beat for Three Days." The headline's so good I don't even want to read the story! I just want to eat that beating heart!
  • Looking forward to eating lots of vegetables this spring? Sorry, all the vegetables down in Mexico froze this month and now there are no more vegetables for you to eat. You might say, "Why don't they just sell those already frozen vegetables as frozen vegetables, they wouldn't even have to freeze them, just put them right in the frozen section, it's better than nothing, right?" But that's not the point.
  • You know what's a good workout? Tap dancing. Well—better than dancing without tapping.
  • If you eat a lot of fiber from grains you can reduce your risk of dying young by up to 23%, enough to allow you to take up heroin.
  • Turns out that posting calorie counts at fast food restaurants doesn't change what teenagers order, because teenagers are are jerks who don't care about doing their part to keep down their nation's heart disease rates (especially the popular girls. I have a job in New York City now, girls. I've forgotten all about you).
  • Bad news: too many hours "on the job" puts your teens "at risk." How many is too many? At risk of what? Don't worry about it. Just make the six Big Macs, like I told you. You might be the "popular girl" in the senior class, but here you're the employee, and I'm the night shift manager, and you'll do as I say, because—lo and behold!—I grew up and became the boss. The boss of you.

[Photo: The Consortium/ Flickr]