'Sexy Period Panties' Help You Menstruate on Yourself, Sexily

Hey, ladies: Have you been longing for a diaper to sop up excess period blood? Not an ugly diaper, but a sleek sexy one? You're in luck: Here is a new product called Sexy Period™ panties. I am of two minds about it.

On one hand, I salute the inventors of leak-proof Sexy Period™ panties. America has been wicking away sweat for years, so why not use advanced fabric technology to wick away the minor (but inescapable) terror of "period spills"? Stroke of genius.

On the other hand, why must this product be marketed as "sexy"? As far as "body functions I do not care about sexualizing" go, "sexy period" is right up there with "sexy Krebs Cycle" and "sexy popping a zit." So, though I appreciate the concept of technology-enhanced panty leak prevention, I loathe those who refer to menstruation as "chocolate indulgence time" (because it's the time of the month you let your boyfriend do you in the butt?) and say things like this: "Always chic, always sexy, you rule the city. Whether you're heading out dancing with the girls or getting dressed up for a movie night in, Friday Night Fabulous™ is what you're wearing." The fact that I am somewhat tempted to purchase this product only makes me hate it more. To resolve this cognitive dissonance, I'm going to go make some Molotov cocktails out of tampons. [Sexy Period™]

Previously:

This Underwear Comes with a Penis In It
Meet Subtle Butt, the Fart-Neutralizing Underwear Insert