This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras featured an unusually repulsive group of Moms and Dads. Between the mother cleaning septic tanks to pay for thousand dollar dresses or the disciple of Christ who loves "Jesus and glitz," tonight was one, hot mess.

Let's proceed, shall we? Meet Ashley-Noelle. Lucky Ash is following in her mother's pageant footsteps. If there is one thing scarier than a pageant Mom who never quite "made it" within the pageant world, it is a mother who did. Former reigning queens are the hardest on their daughters because they know exactly what the girls are being judged on. Not one eyelash or fake nail is spared in this scenario.

Now, until tonight, I thought that the sick and twisted world of pageant mothers was divided into those two categories exclusively: those who reigned, and those who only wish they had. Silly me. Thanks to Becky, I now know that there exists a third and terrifying category: the Disciple of Christ and Glitz who also happens to be an ex-pageant Queen.


Call me crazy, but I happen to think that Becky's husband is gay. That's probably just my own theory and has no real validity to it, so whatever, we shall let him live. What is most repulsive about Becky, is that she has no hopes and dreams for her daughter. Her only goal is to raise a daughter who knows how to put on a dress and make-up to catch a man. I can respect those mothers who hope that pageants will instill confidence and strength within their daughters, but good ol' Becks is merely training her daughter to "give herself" to her husband. Like she did. Well, good luck with that one sister.

Moving on to another contestant, we meet a truly charming duo: Victoria and Sharon. Victoria enjoys things such as money, pink, buying things with money, and also, having money. This is the child here, not the mother. For example, Victoria was given $20 for accomplishing the incredible and unique act of losing a tooth! Isn't that just fab. One would think that these totally healthy attitudes towards money must stem from the fact that they are sitting on heaps and heaps of it. That an enormous fortune is the only explainable reason for why a 7 year-old would operate on this level of greedy. It turns out though, that they are just sitting on heaps and heaps of shit. Turns out that in order to pay for this absurd hobby, Sharon shovels or plows or suctions other people's septic tanks with her husband. It is his job, but she does it on occasion for a kind of pageant-dress allowance. Please understand that I am in no way putting this profession down; this would be an incredibly noble act on her daughter's behalf if Sharon were doing this for her Victoria's own happiness. Which is where Mom Category Number One rears it's depressing head.


I kept thinking that I saw little glimmers of love in Sharon's eye. In fact, I was rooting for her, for them, hoping that all this shit (pardon me) would be worth it. But I threw in the towel at the crowning. Little Victoria wins the "Natural" portion of the contest. For everyone out there who is a normal person, you will not know what this means. But basically, sandwiched between Hell and the Swimsuit section is the "Glitz" portion and "Natural" portion of the competition. Ol' Sharon was just rolling in her conference room chair because her daughter won first place in Natural – the no make-up, resemble an actual kid portion- and not the Glitz. Not only was she not proud of her daughter who just won first place, she made absolutely no attempts to hide her disappointment. And it was heartbreaking.

In my fantasies, little Ashley-Noelle and Victoria become pen pals and form a lifelong bond. They eventually become roommates at Sarah Lawrence, where they study Women's Studies and Math. But until then a dream is but a dream to me, and all I can say is, may the glitz be with you. For your own sakes.