Now that Ronnie and Sammi are broken up, we can return to the fun and frivolity of Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time. Between the clogged toilets, the soiled panties, and the return of old foes, there was a lot going on.
Yes, the just-ended love ballad of Ronnie and Sammi still hung in the air, like the last few seconds of feedback after a rock concert, but it was mostly absent from this entire dispatch. Instead we saw our guidos and guidettes back to their normal business of partying, drinking, hooking up, and doing the dirty business of living day to day and ridding themselves of their bodily secretions. It's all very hard work for the guido clan.
Even then, The Situation took some time out to school us on the exact classification systems for "grenades." A grenade is an unattractive woman (or man—as Snooki uses it) who can explode at any moment and ruin a guido's good time. However, there are worse fates than being a grenade. The next classification is "grenade launcher," a woman that is so ugly, she could make you puke, ie launch. Next is the "submarine," a woman so nasty that you want to hide underwater to get away from her. Then comes the "tank," a woman who is not only ugly, but with a body the size of an armored patrol vehicle. Finally, there is the "A-bomb," a grenade that is so ugly, that is so dangerous, that treaties have been signed to deal with her proliferation and to work towards her disarmament. That sure was mighty educational, and while we're talking about the guido's language, let's look at some of their terms so we can know them better.
- The Blast: A sudden and violent voiding of the bowels caused by some sort of gastric anomaly. The blast is a stinky and dangerous thing, especially for guidettes who like to dance with their ass up and face down. No one wants the "Jersey Turnpike" to become the "Hersey Highway." Also, "to blast" means to tease or haze a member of one's clan. In essence, it means to shit on someone, but for fun.
- Slopopotamus: A woman who is so messy that she can no longer walk a straight line but, instead, lumbers in an erratic fashion toward her destination, knocking down everything in her way. She is often blubbering, crying, and otherwise creating a racket. Unlike the "spider monkey" which the guido thinks is a fictional creation, they believe that a Slopopotamus is an animal actually found in nature.
- Mario Brother: A short, Italian, muscle-bound man who is courteous to a woman and pursues her like she is a princess that has been kidnapped by a fire-breathing dragon. He may or may not have facial hair and a propensity for throwing turtle shells.
- Bernard: This is the name ascribed to every man a guidette hooks up with when she can't remember his name. There is no guido actually named "Bernard," so there is no way that referring to someone as "Bernard" will be mistaken for his real name causing some sort of confusion. He believes it is a joke and laughs it off, saving the guidette the embarrassment of letting him know she forgot his name. The female equivalent of this universal fake name is "Yvette."
Now that we know what they're talking about, let's get right into talking about sad sack Ronnie so we can get all that drama out of the way and focus on the more important business. Oh, poor sad sack Ronnie. When he is without Sammi is it like bacon without eggs, peanut butter without jelly, condoms without lube. It's like a natural pairing has been rendered asunder and he is just sad, sad, sad, sad, sad. Sammi has returned home where her mother is telling her that Ronnie is no good for her. She is right.
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But as Sammi left the house, all the girls formed a phalanx around her, trying to protect her even as she was absent. The girls are totally adhering to Girl Code. Not only do they support Sammi in the breakup, they also go and clean out all of her stuff and move it out of Ronnie's room to protect it. Girl Code dictates that they not only protect Sammi, but keep silent about it.
While Ronnie cries in the bathroom everyone tries to make him feel better. The Situation gives him a pep talk that consists of a string of meaningless cliches. Only Snooki will tell Ronnie the truth, that he and Sammi fight too much and shouldn't be together. Ronnie doesn't believe her and he's determined to get her back.
Ronnie is so used to the same pattern of fighting and making up that he doesn't know how to behave when that familiar script is taken away from him. So he starts apologizing. He sends Sammi flowers and gifts, hoping that he can work his way toward making up. It's not working. After a few days of moping around, though Ronnie is starting to get back to his old self, joking around with the crew and having a good time. While he's not "creeping" when at Karma, he still misses Sam. Oh, Ron, this is just like any breakup—moments of fun and relief twinged with regret and despair. Just give it time, just give it time.
OK, we will speak of this no more, because as Ronnie was whining about how awful his life was, Snooki and Deena got themselves involved in a prank war with Vinny and DJ Paulie Dangerfield. A prank war is a guido ritual where the negative energy in the house is dispersed by creating even more negative energy, but of a harmless sort. If they can fill the house with the mojo of pulling mean tricks on each other, the black cloud of Ronnie and Sammi's nuclear winter can be blown away for good.
Snooki initiates it by rubbing cake in Vinny's face. She and Deena run to their room and hide under their beds to avoid retaliation. Vinny gets back by putting some dog poop and soiled pee pads in a bag and placing it under Snooki's pillow. However, due to their vantage point, they see the dirty deed (done dirt cheap) and immediately take the bag from Snooki's pillow and replace it under Vinny's.
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To get back at her, Vinny goes into Snooki's room and steals the one thing that has any real importance to her, Crocodilly. This is a stuffed version of a creature from guido mythology. While they all worship their household god, the Duck Phone, they hold a special place in their heart for Crocodilly, a known associate of the Duck Phone. Like the real life animal, it is a symbol of power and virility and guidettes are known to sleep and cuddle with stuffed simulacra of Crocodilly. The guidette's sexual appetite is voracious and when she can't get the real thing, having a very strong Crocodilly between her legs is the next best thing.
Vinny takes Snooki's Crocodilly ridding her of any sort of sexual outlet or solace while she is lying in bed. A mean, mean trick indeed. After searching the house high and low, The Situation finally lets Snooki know where it is, and the prank war comes to an end, the negativity replaced with good-natured laughs.
The problem is, The Situation has no Guy Code. He'll make all the other guys adhere to it, but when it comes to him, he completely disregards the rules. Not only did he side with the females in the prank war, he also tries to pick up on DJ Paulie Dissed's ex-girlfriend, Gina (all of DJ Paulie Diction's exes are named Gina) at the club. A big no-no. And then, when Vinny brings a trick home to smush with, The Situation interrupts them and makes them eat a burger while they're trying to get intimate. These are all huge violations of the set of rules by which the guido males hold most dearly. Though he is the alpha males of the house, if he continues to behave outside of his gender's social contract he can find himself ostracized or, even worse, castrated!
Not only do the guidos live by their own rules, but, as we have learned, they also have a very unique anatomy that is entirely different from the rest of the human race, including a very delicate digestive systems. Not only can their puke (and subsequent puke breath) kill another guido, but if they drink too much, their buttholes begin to bleed! Furthermore, their schedule of bowel movements is directly correlated to their emotional state. We learned this from Snooki, who always has to poop before going out with a guy because her emotional excitement leads to a physical excitement.
The reason Ronnie spends so much time crying in the bathroom is that an excessive outpouring of emotion causes an excessive outpouring from the lower regions of a guido's digestive tract. Because Ronnie is putting so much into the toilet, he has managed to clog all the pipes in the house.
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We all know that the most sacred room to the guidos is the bathroom, so besmirching it is a huge violation on Ronnie's part. It's pretty much like if he used his own feces to draw a picture of Mohammad, kill an Indian cow, and rip a picture of the Pope in half on Saturday Night Live all at once. Vinny is so emotionally upset by this blasphemy that it makes him have to take a shit, but he can't because the toilet is clogged. To evacuate his poop chute and to get in good with the great guido gods, Vinny has decided he will fix the toilet.
Unfortunately, Ronnie's emotion is just too intense for Vinny's menial skills with a plunger and a snake made out of a wire hanger. He then declares that they must call in a plumber to fix the problem. That is sort of like admitting that a priest must be called for a sick loved one because death is near. This clog must be very serious indeed.
That wasn't the only scatological mishap last night. Deena was the exact opposite of Ronnie and was holding all of her emotion in about being picked on all the time. Since she was keeping her resentment bottled up, her body was keeping her doody bottled up as well. Yes, she was cranky and constipated and couldn't let anything slide. When out at the club, she got drunk enough that she had an emotional breakthrough. After being teased one too many times, she let loose a torrent of beer tears that could have drowned 17 midgets in a lifeboat with a hole in the bottom. It was intense. Now everyone knew that she was tired of being hazed and Ronnie, of all people, consoled her, letting her know that is how the tribe initiates new members and shows their love. As soon as he said that, she ran to the bathroom and let out a turdy torrent the likes of which the world has never seen before. Too bad she did it into a clogged toilet.
Ronnie's ass-plosions weren't the only thing to defile the bathroom last night. DJ Paulie Desecration also found something completely foul in the bathroom: a pair of panties stained with menstrual blood. Immediately he had to discover just which female in the house left them there.
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Immediately Ronnie determines they're not Snooki's because the white panties have no bronzer on them—a very astute observation. Deena was the main suspect, but she used the tautological argument that "they're not mine because they're not," which someone seemed to persuade everyone it wasn't her. We all know that JWOWW would never wear white panties. She only wears black panties. Actually, she often lists "black lace" as her favorite color.
Whose panties were there? JWOWW had the most sound theory, that one of the girls the boys brought home was embarrassed of her soiled drawers and abandoned them in the bathroom as to not be ridiculed by the boy. But why did she have to leave them in the bathroom? Why not put them in her purse or the trash or under the boy's bed? If they discover which female sacked the holy temple of the guido household she can be tried for heresy, which carries a sentence of death by suffocation after being stoned with empty shot glasses. A horrible torture indeed.
But even worse than a woman leaving her panties in the bathroom is the disrespect that Snooki's new beau brought upon the house. Remember when Vinny brought home that girl Gina (yes, the name is overused—it is the Madison of the guido clan) and her uncle arrived with another guy to take her home before Vinny could smoosh her? The uncle's wingman is Snooki's new smusher, Gianni (named after Versace and twice as gay). It was already a breach of Guy Code to do that to Vinny (even though it is justifiable to rescue a family member) but now he disrespects the other men in the house by showing up there to try to get laid! This could not be tolerated.
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The men of the house had to enforce Guy Code which states, "If one guido should cock block his fellow guido in his own house, and then return to that house with a woman he is trying to bed, he should be collectively cock blocked by every guido who resides under that roof." That's just what Vinny, Ronnie, and DJ Paulie Deputy did to Gianni. Notice The Situation was conspicuously absent. Has he given up on Guy Code altogether.
But in the end, Snooki's voracious sexual appetite prevailed, and she kicked the boys out of the room so that she could get it in. She walked over to the nightstand in the smoosh room and handed Gianni a condom. Right then he knew that he was going to get some, that his mission was accomplished, but it wasn't mission we were thinking.
With condom in hand, he told Snooki he would be right back and headed off to the bathroom. He took his phone out of his pocket and pushed a few buttons. "It's done. I'm in," he said. "But she wants to fuck. I don't know how I'm going to keep it up. I'm not used to sleeping with girls...Yes, yes, I know. I won't hurt the one they call DJ Paulie DaSpecimen. I need to get back. I'll call you later."
And on the other end of the phone was someone far more sinister, far more dangerous than a clogged toilet or a pair of soiled panties. It was Danielle, the Agent of Mossad. She would get her revenge on DJ Paulie Deplorable, and she found a new way to do it. She needed a mole in the house and found the perfect, irresistible male to infiltrate Snooki's heart, and therefore the tribe. With her asset in place, her vengeance would be swift and furious. In the back of a van several blocks away, Danielle laughed and laughed, her maniacal cackle filling up the night sky.