The Stay-at-Home Girlfriend Really Can Have It AllS

Oh dear. A site called Brokelyn, for the recession-affected Brooklyn dweller, has published a "First Person" article entitled "How to survive as a SAHG (stay-at-home-girlfriend)." Hm! OK. It could be a tongue-in-cheek kind of jokey type thing, right? A humorous essay chronicling the silly misadventures of a young woman stepping into more "traditional" domestic duties while her live-in boyfriend is at work and she's looking for a new job. But... it's just not. It's really just not! Let's observe some samples from Quiana Stokes' strange composition.

On cleaning:

Like any other busy person getting ready in the morning, he throws his clothes on the floor, takes a shower and leaves the floor wet etc. Why leave it there for him to take care of when he gets home? To be spiteful? I'd much rather pick up behind him - I don't want to live in a messy home either. It also gives me something to do when my brain reaches its resumé-submission limit.

The clothes thing, sure. But, what is she doing in the bathroom, hand-drying the floor?

On eating & drinking:

Now that I'm not working, it's only right to keep the meals on the table. If you don't cook, order something. Put a cold beer or glass of wine on the table along with it. My boyfriend loves it. He's always grateful for any and all of the little things I do; it never gets too predictable because I try to do something new every time.

I always have beer or whiskey ready for my boyfriend, and when it gets colder outside, I'll mix a warm cocktail, which he's a big fan of. Needless to say, the surprise doesn't always have to be of the alcoholic variety but a nice treat while dinner is cooking is always a great way to keep him happy.

One hopes a "warm cocktail" simply involves putting a beer in the microwave.

On "sexy times" (the best part of the whole piece):

I have eight to nine hours everyday to send out my resumés and clean and make dinner, by the time he comes home from work I am well rested. Frankly, there's no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn't be ready and willing when he is. I try very hard to keep my boyfriend happy and this is a key part of doing so.

Nope! No other reason! Man, I had no idea Phyllis Schlafly was writing blog posts under a pen name these days. Good for her!

But don't worry, guys. The SAGH is taking care of herself too:

To stay sane, I have to get out of the house at some point everyday or I go completely crazy. Whether it's to go to the grocery store, take a walk around the block or go daytime boozing with one of my unemployed friends. My friends and I go boozing at least 1-2 times a week and it is FANtastic. There ‘s nothing better than going to a restaurant, sharing a couple of appetizers and a bottle of wine (or two) with another unemployed girlfriend.

Aha. So this really is a sad essay about two drunks who have reverted back to passionless, workmanlike sex and creepy antiquated gender roles to avoid dealing with their horrible drinking problems. This is a really fascinating essay all of a sudden.

Though, don't think this lifestyle is forever. It's really not.

I'm positive some people reading this will assume I'm a brainwashed and battered woman, and I can't say I'm all that concerned. The thing is, even though I've gotten the whole domestic thing down to a science, the idea of being an actual housewife is not at all appealing. I still fully intend to have a career of my own. Until I land that new job, I'm doing the best job I can as a stay-at-home girlfriend.

Oh, well, OK. Though... when she does go back to work, who will heat up BF's whiskey? Do maids do that? Maybe his mom can come live with them.

[via The Hairpin; image via Shutterstock]