The Oscars are on Sunday and today is Tuesday, meaning you need to start planning your menu for the party. Luckily we're here to give you some ideas for the perfect awards show feast, all based on this year's nominees!
True Grits: Prepare grits from finest ingredients available, but make sure the end result is surprisingly bland.
127 Hors d'oeuvres: Take mini-hotdog "arms" and wedge them between crescent roll "rocks." Make 127 of them. Duh.
Black Forrest Swan Cake: Prepare Black Forest cake, cut into shape of a swan. Fill with red cherry filling for fun bloody oooze effect when you cut into it with a piece from a broken mirror. Garnish with coconut shaving "cuticles."
Winter's Boneless Buffalo Wings: Buy boneless buffalo wings, serve cold. Use chainsaw to cut through meat if needed. Pairs well with a robust '08 methamphetamine.
Nicole Kidney Beans: Choose best-looking kidney beans available and prepare in traditional manner. Then inject them full of oils and make little slices here and there until they are barely recognizable as kidney beans. (For full effect, freeze until completely stiff.)
Toy Story 3 Cheese Dip: Mix an aged cheese, an exciting new cheese, and a warm gooey cheese in a bowl. Melt in garbage incinerator, season with salty tears shed over the passing of time.
The Town House Crackers: Steal a package of Town House Crackers, serve with ham(m) and your friend Ben's aspic.
Helena Bonham Tartar Sauce: You serve this same thing all the time, and usually it's a weird and crazy dip, but this time do it a bit more subdued. It will be oddly more likable for it.
Annette Beignets: People have loved these things for years, really think they're some of the best food, but for whatever reason, they always end up picking something else to eat when it really matters. Most notably in the past, they've inexplicably chosen Hilary Swanks 'n' Beans.
The Kids Are All Riesling: Mix two Rieslings together, even though that grosses some people out. Your guests will be pleasantly surprised by how normal it tastes.
Inceptini: Take all the alcohol in your house, put it in a jar, and shake it all together like crazy. Once you pass out, you'll have the wildest dreams!
The King's Peach Bellini: Drink six really fast, then try to deliver a long and serious speech. First person to not stutter wins a prize. (Only to lose it to The Social Network later in the evening.)
Please, folks, contribute to the menu in the comments!
[Image via Shutterstock.com]