Woman smells! Animal behavior! Old people brains! STD testing! Allergies forever! Oil cleanup health! Fat dogs! Fat surgery! From death to business! And other conventional wisdom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with ulterior motives!
- Ah, the scientific scent of a woman. It smells like fertility and mind control.
- We all talk about how humans act, but what about how animals act? Well, we can report that animals modify their behavior based on the noise that humans make. The noise is "Ahhh!" and the behavior is eating you.
- Aerobic exercise helps old people not have shrinking brains, as much! Let's go, old people reading Gawker right now! One two three four five! Do jumping jacks as I count! We can't take your tiny brains!
- Now they're just handing out free at-home STD testing kits to kids. Won't this just encourage our children to go out and get STDs, just because they can? Liberals.
- If you don't believe in global warming, well, allergy season is now super long, because of global warming. What I'm saying is I hope you die from allergies.
- The federal government is doing a big study to see if Gulf oil cleanup workers are healthy. I bet they're not!
- The Wall Street Journal reports: your dog is fat. You monster.
- Which is better, gastric bypass surgery or lap band surgery? The answer is brother, if you're asking, you better go on a diet! Haha! But seriously, it's gastric bypass.
- If you have a life-threatening health crisis, look at the bright side: it could inspire you to start your own business. Or kill you. But if you survive, definitely think about the business opportunity.
- Hearing loss is common among middle-aged adults. God, the shit that passes for a "health news" story these days.
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