In the words of the prolific Will Smith, Bienvenidos a Miami. Yep, there's another season of Real Housewives, and Mr. Cohen is poised in his clubhouse, liquored up and waiting to be adored. Did anyone else download the Andy Cohen ringtone? This might have gone too far. Athough I wouldn't mind a Nene one. All it has to say is just "Greeeeeeeeeg. Greeeeeeeeg. Greeeeeeeeg." Repeatedly.
This season (after RHONY was pushed back because they couldn't get enough footage of Kelly's gummy bears and satchels of gold or Jill Zaaaaarin's new line of multi-colored zebra-print fabrics) is all about the thong bikinis and natural brunettes.
Let's just hope it's better than that other show set in Miami - Miami Social. I sort of enjoyed watching the psycho Russian blonde and all the meet-ups at the "Gaaaaansseeeeevort." I think I'm the only person who watched that show.
So who are our Queens of the Land of Thong Bikinis? Let's delve into this fresh crop of screaming and plastic-surgery-laden ladies. Yes my friends, Real Housewives of Miami has begun. And what a wild viaje we are about to embark upon.
Homigod, the first five seconds of this show: Gloria Estefan. Sold. Let's get loud. And by loud, I mean…really loud prints. And really short shorts.
Our ladies of the rumba that have descended upon our television screens are Larsa, Cristy, Adriana, Marysol, Alexia, and Lea.
Let's begin this wild baile with Lea, shall we? Lea is such a social butterfly! She likes to "collect people," whatever that means. I guess like Russian nesting dolls, or salt and pepper shakers. Anyway, this isn't you usual collection of the Cabbage Patch: Lea collects A-list friends like Dennis Rodman and Rick Ross. I wonder if they also have bejeweled tummies like my collection of Trolls. I'm glad to know that Dennis is back, wearing pants, and not on Celebrity Rehab this season. Lea is from Texas and met her dashing lawyerly husband. I wish I had another adjective besides lawyerly. Oh, he just told his 9-year-old son he needed plastic surgery.
Next up we have Larsa. Larsa is married to Scottie Pippin, who I guess is still a famous athlete. Scottie is a really good basketball player. She moved to Miami because you can have a boat there, which is the exact same reason I moved to Washington. They have lots of cute kiddies who shouldn't be filmed in a reality TV setting. They all pile into the Bentley for school. Just how carpool goes.
Adriana is an art dealer. But Adriana is also like, rly smart. She went to law school, where she decided to go back to art and having breakfast by the water. Her husband always had a crush on her, and she decided to strike when the divorce papers went through. Romance. Miami was the first city where Adriana felt welcome, because she's a brunette. This is why I cannot move to Sweden.
Seriously guys, there is Buena Vista Social Club playing the entire time. Which is kind of nice mood music, and spicier than these ladies.
Cristy is Cuban. Her general philosophy – that less clothing is better, is a great general outlook. She was also married to an NBA athlete. She is not "friendly" with her ex, but she is very friendly with her psychic. What is it with these women and their psychics? When are we going to have a psychic Real Housewife?
We began this rumba during….Miami fashion week! Is this different from Mercedes
Benz Fashion week? Or that one where everyone is just in bikinis?
Alexia is the "Cuban Barbie." She is a fantastic mother, who helps her little baby sons discern what "grass fed" millet mignon means. She runs a magazine with her husband.
Marysol owns The Patton Group, which is a public relations firm that might double as a Starbucks for a bunch of younger girls who live in Miami. Her arsenal of wunderkinds are waiting in tow, blackberries in hand, just chomping to be the next Real Housewife. Marysol is anti-plastic surgery. Honey, I can see your fillers from here. But her 25-year-old boyfriend is actually a good alternative to Botox.
Alexia likes to think she's younger than she is. She wears athletic clothes for her tow sons, and teaches them to use butter spray.
Then we have Marysol's mother. Um. Guys, I think we might have to stop now. I think the entire Real Housewives franchise just has to end, immediately. I might have to put away my pen. I am looking at this mother and daugher, with their coupled plastic surgery, and withering looks. And I think this franchise just has to stop guys.
All the ladies who are pretending to be amigas had a party with the chef of STK. It was particularly wild because a) they wore chef hats, and b) Adriana told a terrible story of how her soon to be ex husband was cheating on her and had a baby. It was sad. Nobody knew how to react, because Real Housewives just deals with faux emotion, not real problems. Better zip it up Adriana.
So everyone gallivanted and sashayed around with their botox and Cuban accents. I like that this season has a strong Latina presence, but Real Housewives is just tired.
Very tired. We're out of skin elasticity, and it's time we put that psychic's electronic cigarette out. Are you going to be watching the rest of the season?
Meredith Fineman writes FFJD, a somewhat humorous dating blog that chronicles her endless pursuit for a Jewish gentleman caller, the philosophy behind jeggings, and why Boo the dog should be Speaker of the House. Follow here on Twitter here.