It's Glee time everybody, but don't let that get you down. Last night's episode was all about the booze, so, to get in the spirit, let's all get drunk at our desks and recap!
McKinley High has a problem, you guys. Kids won't stop showing up drunk and getting themselves suspended. Of course, pop music is to blame (especially that wretched Key-Dollar Sign-Ha)- or at least that's what Principal Figgins assumes when he enlists Will's help for the alcohol awareness assembly that he's putting together. To counteract how music glorifies alcohol consumption, he asks that Will and New Directions put together a little song-and-dance that does the opposite-quite the task when you realize A.) how few songs like that exist and B.) how much the glee clubbers themselves love getting drunk these days.
The glee club finds itself on quite a bender after Puck convinces Rachel to throw a party while her dads are out of town (on the Rosie O'Donnell gay cruise, no less). Despite Rachel's efforts to ruin the party by playing Celebrity and limiting her guests to two wine coolers a piece, it ends up being a total rager-songs are sung, Brittany gets naked and no one can seem to keep their mouths off each other (more on that in a bit).
Of course, they feel the cost of their fun come Monday morning when everyone is completely hung over. Still, their sickness doesn't deter them from drinking more. No, our tenacious band of outsiders indulge in a little hair of the dog-Bloody Marys provided by Artie out of a thermos-in the middle of the hallway. Refreshed, they go on to perform the Jamie Foxx booze anthem "Blame It" for Schue who fails to cotton on to the fact that the entire group is drunk-drunkety-drunk-drunk. In fact, it's not until Brittany and Santana both barf while performing Ke$ha's "Tik-Tok" at the school assembly (I didn't include the video to spare us all from ever hearing that song again) that he realizes that anything has been amiss.
Back to Rachel's party! After being accosted by the loving host herself, a very sober Finn does us a favor by breaking down girl party archetypes-there's the girl who cries, the girl who gets angry, the girl who takes off her clothes, the girl who gets happy and the girl who gets needy. Of course, he didn't bring up any male party archetypes, but, if he had, I'm sure he would have mentioned the sober sanctimonious douchebag who thinks it's his right to reduce his female friends to one-dimensional stereotypes.
Annoyed by Finn's assertion that she's a clingy and annoying drunk, Rachel decides to deviate from type and suggests a game of spin the bottle. Always down for a little M.O, the rest of the club obliges and Rachel (who is dressed fantastically, by the way) ends up sharing a kiss with the supposedly gay Blaine. The fact that this happens isn't all that surprising-as a high school theater geek, I "witnessed" my fair share of straight girl-gay dude make-out sessions-but what is surprising is that Blaine ends up being totally into it (see, Ben, you could have loved me). In fact, both parties get so aroused that they break into a rendition of Human League's "Don't You Want Me," which, for the two of them, is probably like third base.
After the party, Rachel, never known for her considerate behavior, decides to ask Blaine out on a date even though she knows that Kurt harbors feelings for him. Blaine accepts the invite (much to Kurt's chagrin) and announces that maybe he's not so gay after all. This causes an argument between the two Dalton boys-Kurt thinks that Blaine is going back into the closet, and Blaine, whipping out some of his best moves from the James Franco School of Face Acting, feels that Kurt is being hypocritical by judging his wavering sexuality.
Kurt next confronts Rachel and tells her that Blaine will just be the first in her long line of boyfriends who end up being gay (this is probably true). He then goes on to say that the only reason the two of them felt any chemistry to begin with is because they were both drunk. Suffering from a bad case of fruit blindness, Rachel disagrees, challenging that nothing will be different when she goes in for a second kiss. Go in she does, though she doesn't meet her expected results. Now that he's kissed her sober, Blaine no longer has questions about his own sexuality. Seeing what Rachel and her lady parts have to offer, he realizes that he's soundly Team Gay. Now that that's out of the way, maybe Ryan Murphy can, for once, let Kurt in on a bit of that pretty Blaine mouth action.
Lastly, there's Schue. Depressed from his divorce, Emma's recent marriage and the constant reminders that, outside of glee club, he has nothing going on with his life, he finds himself in a bit of a funk. To cheer him up, Coach Beiste takes him to a honky-tonk bar to drown his sorrows and sing George Thorogood's "One Whiskey, One Scotch, One Beer." My opinion on Will Schuster isn't exactly unbiased (you might say that I hate him? Yes, I definitely hate him), but I'm pretty sure that this song was legitimately awful.
Anyway, after his unfortunate duet with Coach Beiste, Will goes home to drunk dial Emma and ends up leaving a voicemail in which he basically asks her to come over to have sex with him. Embarrassed, he apologizes the next day, but she has no idea what he's talking about. Turns out he misdialed and ended up calling the one person who could make things worse, one Sue Sylvester. Never one to miss an opportunity to humiliate her rival, Sue plays Will's voicemail over the loudspeaker for the whole school to hear.
Luckily for Schue, Principal Figgins thinks that Will's voicemail (as well as Brittany and Santana's on-stage puking) was actually a part of New Directions' anti-alcohol performance and congratulates him for turning the teenagers off of drinking. Despite his free pass from Figgins (apparently publicly soliciting another teacher for sex is okay as long as it's not sincere), Will decides to give up drinking completely, which-whatever. He also asks that the glee club join him in sobriety, at least until regionals. Having each had their own embarrassing experiences with alcohol recently, everyone readily agrees, leaving us, the audience, as the only drunk ones left.