Russians Finally Admit Beer Is AlcoholS

The Russian government, which has long called beer a "foodstuff," will now classify the beverage as, you know, alcohol, as part of a campaign against alcoholism and underage drinking. People drinking excessively? In Russia!? Believe it or not! "Many ordinary Russians," The Daily Telegraph tells us, "regard beer as a soft drink. It is not uncommon to see men swigging a can of beer on their way to work." Ah, yes, but what they don't tell you is that those men are professional beer-tasters.