Grab yer spurs and saddles, kids! This finale-train is headed for the rodeo. All aboard!

Like any good train wreck, part of what makes this show watchable is the sheer horror of it; you simply cannot take your eyes away from the disasters as they take shape before you. Tonight's episode, however, was surprisingly tame as finales go. It featured a Rodeo Princess Pageant, sure, and there was brow waxing and spray tanning, of course, but somehow these moms and tots seemed a little more normal than the show monsters we're accustomed to. Yikes, thank the Lawd this show is over- my sanity is waning.

Let's meet our rodeo mavens, shall we? We shall. First up is High Kickin' Karmen. Karmen is another one of those Glitz Girls we've talked so much about. You remember, don't you? Sure you do. The Glitz Girls are like the Mean Girls who look down on the plain-faced "Natural" competitions. Karmen is as glitzy as they come, and all the other girls are scared of her. Because, pageants. Speaking of natural, her mother likes to sun-kiss her with tanning chemicals because…pageants?


Next up is Kelcie. Thankfully, there isn't much to say about Kelcie. She seems like a relatively normal and lovely girl who likes to read and hang with Mom. Unfortunately, a winning personality and going natch in a competition doesn't get you very far in the pageant world. All Kelcie wants to do is "lasso herself a big crown," but (spoiler!) she is too loved and far too secure for that. Better luck next time, my sweet girl.

On to Lynsie. Oh dear. Oh my! While her parents are supportive enough and not totally bonkers, at eight-years-old, Lynsie's goal is to be a "Vegas dancer," and the very best Vegas dancer at that. Isn't that nice? Little Lynsie wants to light up the Vegas stage with her moves. Now I'm not quite comfortable making stripper jokes about young girls, so let's just leave it at that. It's been left. Shudder, shudder, shiver. Zap! That's the sound of our souls disintegrating.


It's pageant time! And boy is it ever. Western wear sure is fun for everyone, particularly for the guy hanging out in the back of the room who doesn't even have a daughter in the competition. The girls hoot n' holler all across that stage, and it certainly is something to see. Karmen, whose first rodeo this most certainly is not, does a completely normal thing for her talent: she names the books of the Bible! If there is one thing pageant judges love, it is beautiful little Christian girls performing in their wondrous Christian ways. I have to tip my cowboy hat to Ms. K for that little maneuver. Girl knows what she's doing.

And again, we are presented with more dreams of dancing from poor, lost Lynzer. After watching her routine and garble-rationalizing something about slutty crop tops and boots being the little girl's version of football gear, Lazer's dad shrugged his shoulders with an, "it is what is" sigh, and promptly left the conference room. Safely in the privacy of his hotel room, he sobbed into his pillow and prayed with all his heart for something, for anything. Only, he didn't even know what that something was anymore.

That about concludes our journey. The teeny tots have all gone and packed up their tiaras. Farewell to the southern belles and their withered mothers with their withered dreams. Au revoir to the acrylic nails and eyelash adhesive. Adieu to the judges and the Holiday Inn's all across this great nation. And to you, future pageant mothers of America. I look forward to seeing you and your daughters right where we left you, in another 20 years.