Of all the creatures on Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, Snooki is possibly the most vulnerable. Last night we saw attacks on the little heffalump from all directions. She barely survived, and there is danger on the horizon.
Yes, our poor Snooki couldn't get anything right last night, but before we can talk about how the fates were set against her, we need to discuss Sir Vinny Against the Dragon. In this case, the dragon is the clogged toilets in the guido's house. Of all the rooms in the home, the bathroom is the most sacred to the guidos, sort of like a shrine or a temple. To have a clogged toilet is something that is unspeakable profane to the guidos, similar to a body possessed by an evil spirit. Sir Vinny got a snake from Bossman Danny to try to rid themselves of the clog, but it was far too stubborn and Sir Vinny far too simple to get it to work.
Wrestling with the toilet clog, for Vinny, is sort of like a monk wrestling with his faith. As long as the demon remains lodged in their pipes, Vinny can not take a dump in freedom. That means he cannot have control over his emotions or intellect as long as that evil spirit has infiltrated their home and his pipes are blocked up. A devoted man of god and righteous Christian soldier, Vinny will rid the house of this malevolence even if it means calling in a plumber, the guido's high priest.
Speaking of other things we barely understand, here are some guido idioms that could come in handy for understanding their religious rites.
- Take It Back: After a guido or guidette has engaged in sexual intercourse, they still have the option to erase the deed just by saying, "I take it back." Then it's like the offending incident never happened. Due to their propensity for hooking up under the influence, this is a very handy incantation that can erase infidelity, incest, or bestiality committed after drinking one too many Italian Car Bombs at the club.
- Not From Around Here: This is a phrase used when one doesn't know how to do something. To the guido, who doesn't travel much or examine the world beyond his social sphere, all knowledge is local knowledge. If they are unfamiliar with something, they claim to not be from the general location of the offending object. This excuses them from having any insight into its form or function without making them look entirely stupid.
- Suck [Blank] for Skittles: Due to a strange blip on the audio track of this scientific dispatch, we can't tell if the phrase is "Suck shit for Skittles" or "Suck dick for Skittles." From the context, we believe it means a situation that is unsavory. It seems like Deena said "Suck shit," but that doesn't make sense. If a guido could turn toilet-clogging shit into Skittles, that would be a boon! However, if a guidette were to suck dick and only receive Skittles in return, that would unsatisfactory compensation for the labor. Further research will have to be devoted to this linguistic vagary.
Now we must discuss the Trials of St. Snooki. In last night's dispatch she spent her 30 days in the desert and she was tried by Satan. But will she come out alive?
We last left her hooking up with Jionni, the interloper. Finally, Snooki got to have sex, but her intended was a lousy cuddler. For a guidette the sex act is important and determines a man's virility. However, if said virile man is not able to snuggle after intercourse, then he is deemed emotionally unavailable and not suitable for long-term commitment. Snooki summarily kicks Jionni out of the house and calls Nick, the super duper amazingly hot guy JWOWW's man Roger set her up with. They set a date to talk later in the day, but when Snooki calls (and calls and calls) at the appointed hour, Nick doesn't answer. Luckily, JWOWW is on the case.
The reason Nick won't talk to Snooki is because he found out that she hooked up with Jionni the night before. And even worse, she also hooked up with Jionni's cousin, Versace, a week before. Naturally Nick, Jionni, and Versace are all friends. That's the problem with guido sexual relations. They all have voracious appetites, but their pool of potential mates is very small. It's sort of like spreading a disease in a small village. Once one person gets it, everyone knows about it, and everyone gets it too. Snooki has essentially poisoned the well for herself, because now that Nick knows she's slutting it up, he's not going to touch her.
There is definitely a double standard when it comes to guidos and guidettes, as we have discussed before, and the men are allowed to have sex with as many women as they want with complete impunity, but if a woman has sex with too many men, she is labeled a "skank" and no man will sleep with her. We have previously determined that this is because the guido male ego is fragile and he wants a woman he thinks will only put out for him. If he thinks she will put out for just anyone, he doesn't feel special and, therefore, cannot get an erection. It is a very complicated matter.
But even if men are interested in a woman knowing that she is not a virgin, there are still some rules that he needs to follow. We learned this thanks to the increasingly complicated relationship between Snooki and Vinny.
When they return home from the club, Snooki crawls into Vinny's bed in the hopes of cuddling with him. She explains that Vinny is the best cuddler, which means that she is really in love with him. She doesn't want him for his huge penis (though it probably doesn't hurt—well, actually it probably does, but whatever) she wants him for his emotional availability. But Vinny doesn't want to cuddle with her. He later says it's because she "smashed" Jionni the night before.
When a guido has full-on intercourse with a guidette, he secrets a hormone that rubs off onto her skin. This hormone is noxious to other guidos and keeps other men from hooking up with the guidette until it wears off, which is usually about three days. Vinny says that he doesn't want to lie down with Snooki, but it's not that he doesn't want it, it's that he physically can't. The guido anatomy is a strange and complex thing.
That said, I'm really rooting for Vinny and Snooki. Wouldn't it be so sweet if they could just fall in love and buy a house somewhere on Staten Island and devote the rest of their lives to raising little babies with Italian names and teaching them how to fist pump and dressing them up in ridiculous costumes. They could even have their own reality show. It would be just like John and Kate Plus Eight, but with better hair and less Ed Hardy. One of these days these two will realize that they are in love and they will forget about all the pathways and mores of the guido clan and their respective dating histories and just admit their mutual affection. Oh, what a happy day that will be. But until then, Snooki just skulks back to her own bed, craving the one thing that she can't have, pissed that she is tainted with the stink of another man.
We know that the guidos love a good prank, but after being rejected by two men, it seems a little cruel to pull one on Snooki. Still, The Situation pulled off a masterful misdirection on Snooki and Deena.
While The Situation was communicating with the Duck Phone, the guido's household god, Snooki and Deena told him that they needed to use the phone to call a cab. Since they disrespected his prayer time with their divine leader, the Duck Phone whispered a little bit of devilry into The Situation's ear. No one loves a good ruse like the Duck Phone. He told Sitch to call the cab company but instead of having it take Deena and Snooki to the restaurant they wanted to go to, that it should take them to Times Square as a surprise. Oh, what a clever and devilish plan.
Naturally Snooki and Deena get into the back seat of the cab like two meatballs in a sub and don't even pay attention to where they're going. They're primping and planning, laughing and lounging, flirting and fixing for like an hour before they realize that they aren't going in the right direction. Situation must have paid the cabby off well, because he didn't let them know where they were going and kept traveling to their destination. The girls played along, but if I realized that I had been pranked so mightily, I probably would have laughed it off. Amused that I was bested by a superior adversary.
What we really didn't understand is that if the cab took them to the city, why didn't they at least have a drink or look up some friends while there? Make the most of a bad, um, situation and have some fun at his expense. Instead, they get a soda and head back to Seaside Heights. Boring!
The Situation, however, is about to get a taste of his own medicine. He planned on going to dinner with the rest of the boys but he is keeping them waiting with his primping and preening. See, this isn't just any restaurant, this is Rivoli's. It is where you go to get cannolis. The guidos even made a song about it, which is how you know it is very important to their culture. When The Situation keeps them from their Rivoli's cannolis, it is a huge insult and they decide to leave him behind. He then plans a feast for himself.
The greatest insult to a guido is to make him eat alone. While they may often seek solitude, they must eat in a group. It is how they show their unity as a clan and by shunning him from that, they are showing that they don't want to socialize with him. The Situation can't handle the rejection, so when he gets some pasta of his own, he imagines that he is dining with his familiars. It is a sad, sick delusion out of a Tennessee Williams play—and not one of the good plays from his early days, one of the later ones filled with shattered archetypes, nonsensical plots, and magical realism. There is nothing worse than being a second-rate work.
When the girls return from their trip, they're pissed off at The Situation for sending them to New York. Really, ladies? Can't you admit you've been had? Can't you acknowledge a quality prank when you see one? Do you really think people are going to feel bad for you because you spent a few hours in a car? Please. Still everyone rallies and gets ready for another night on the town.
No one is happier than Ronnie. His father came by the house to give him a pep talk, the guys amused him by taking him for rides on a tiny motorcycle on the roof, and he was cooking up his old potion, Ron Ron Juice, for everyone in the house. As the old maxim says, time was starting to heal his wounds and he was behaving like his old self. Slowly, one by one, like petals on a wilting flower, the quotation marks fell away from him. "Done" became 'Done" became 'Done' became Done.' And just as that last quotation mark dangled tenuously about him, this happened:
And all the quotation marks came flying back. "Done."