Professional television entertainer Donald Trump got a little boost for his pretend presidential prospects the other day, when a poll came out showing him within two percentage points of Barack Obama in a hypothetical presidential matchup. He proudly, and immediately, flapped his gums about this in the YouTube clip above. Maybe we underestimated him and his ability to enchant dumb America by firing people in a cardboard corporate boardroom for all these terrible, terrible years. Maybe he should be our greatest next president after all.
But would he even be able to campaign? Because Donald Trump is terrified of shaking hands. He's a germophobe, which is one of his many psychiatric quirks. (Seriously, if this guy hadn't made the occasional good investment or television pitch over the years, between his bankruptcies, he'd be a delirious hobo smacking imaginary flies and screaming about chemtrails all day in an empty dumpster at the bottom of the East River.) His longtime buddy Roger Stone, the famous amoral political trickster who nevertheless makes for a great interview, tells Politico that if Trump ran, he'd have to find a way to do it without shaking any hands. "I think even people who don't like him have a certain fascination with him ... He's Donald Trump. There's a public fascination. So I don't think he has to go shake hands among the pig farmers... We're well aware of his position on hand-shaking."
Would you, dear reader, vote for Donald Trump even if he wouldn't shake your hand? Are the upsides of a Donald Trump presidency so upside-y that you'd put this personal disappointment aside and pull the lever anyway, for America's sake?