All poem-fingered F-18 fighter jet Charlie Sheen wants to do is live a quiet life as a television star and porn family patriarch. So why does CBS make it hard for him by stopping production on his show? Sheen will be deploying his ordinance to the ground and making his case ("I may be a dangerous, self-destructive drug addict, but I show up to work!") on not one, but two different morning shows on Monday: Good Morning America and Today.

Based on the promo, the GMA interview sure looks, uh, interesting, no? "I am on a drug! It's called [weird voice, jittery hand gesture] CHARLIE SHEEN." (We're most excited for the bit where Sheen, standing behind two blonde women, holds up two fingers, possibly describing the number of porn stars he is keeping on his porn ranch.) Today, for its part, has released a segment from Jeff Rossen's interview, which (absent strung-out-looking Sheen) sounds relatively normal:

Jeff Rossen: "You're angry?"

Charlie Sheen: "Well I'm not angry, I'm passionate. It's like everybody thinks I should be begging for my job back and I'm just gonna forewarn them that it's everybody else that's going to be begging me for their job back."

Jeff Rossen: "Didn't CBS have a right to shut your show down? They're reading about you partying at all hours of the night, taking drugs, abusing alcohol. It's their show."

Sheen: "Epic. Epic behavior. No, because after reading about that, then they observe a guy hitting every mark, nailing every line, every joke, with a full house screaming."

Oof.