How To Avoid the Upcoming Plague of Male Depression

According to a new article in the British Journal of Psychiatry, the rate of depressive disorders among men in Western countries is likely to increase greatly—possibly catching up with that of women, who are are currently twice as likely to be diagnosed with a depressive disorder. Are you a man? Don't worry! We have solutions for you.

Problem Area: Your Career
According to the article's authors, the elimination of "traditional male jobs associated with manufacturing and physical labour" in the West—in particular during the most recent recession, in which "75 percent of jobs lost in the United States since the beginning of the recession in 2007 were held by men"—will lead to higher rates of diagnosed depressive disorders.
Solution: Make sure you are working a traditionally male job, such as construction worker, lumberjack, or serial killer. If your job is not traditionally male, see if you can make it more manly by wearing a vest and pointing at things in an authoritative way.

Problem Area: Your Feelings
Another major societal shift that some psychiatrists believe will increase rates of diagnosis of depressive disorders is the increased acceptance and encouragement of emotional honesty and openness in men.
Solution: Don't talk about your feelings. If you slip up and tell someone that you are feeling sad, cut off all ties with that person immediately. Even if it's your mother. Especially if it's your mother.

Problem Area: Your Significant Other
The increasing number of women becoming primary household earners might lead to more diagnosed depressive disorders because "men attach greater importance to their roles as providers and protectors of their families, and men's failure to fulfil the role of breadwinner is associated with greater depression and marital conflict."
Solution: If your wife or girlfriend makes more money that you, show her that you are still a good provider and protector by hiring men to kidnap her and staging an elaborate rescue. When you and she are alone, give her a loaf of bread and tell her you won it, at a fair, or in a fight. Alternately, be gay, and only date other men.

Problem Area: Your Inability to Let Go of Your Already-Outdated Sense of Gender Roles and Their Relationship to Your Self-Worth
Not sure if the researchers covered this one, but it seems like it might be important!
Solution: Never speak with anyone or watch television again.

Problem Area: Modernity
The modern project as a whole is a hollow, sickening enterprise; a nihilistic engine for cruelty and despair, intent on methodically stripping the world of mystery and humanity whatever nobility it might once have laid claim to; a horrifying accountant's joke that locates its logical end in the systematic exploitation of nature and the brutal, efficient slaughter of entire races. This may depress some people.
Solution: Smoke pot, join a cult.

[Telegraph; image via Shutterstock]